Zombie President

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"It should be my news story that sends people screaming into the night," Twisney said. "All this over Brock Olivera's stupid, unsubstantiated tweets?"

"His last one is wild," Lenny said, looking at his phone. "He says zombie leadership will guarantee freedom for all Americans."

Lenny glanced away from his phone and stared off into the distance. He said, "Wow, I wonder if he's right."

Shelby sighed and said, "You are everything that's wrong with this world, Lenny. I can't believe I let you do me, doggy style."

"Enough," Big Jake said, trying to shake the mental image out of his head. "Let's get some sleep. I'm sure there are plenty of empty rooms. After a few hours to get our shit together, we'll take that car and drive far away from all this."

The other five mumbled their assent, and everyone headed for the elevator.

"One problem," Dr. Nguyen said. "If the zombies catch up to us, we don't want to all be out cold. Someone should stay up as a lookout."

"We'll take turns keeping point," Big Jake said. "We can draw straws."

"Daddy, I'm not taking point, whatever that means," Shelby said. "I'm tired like everybody else, and I'll stay here today. But tomorrow I'm taking the car and going back home."

Twisney said, "Let me tell you why that's not going to work, Shelby. You're welcome to stay here, but I'm going after the zombies tomorrow. I'm going to get the Peabody and every journalism award known to the universe once I get the story. So I need that car."

Shelby nodded and appeared thoughtful, and then she said, "That's strange. I don't remember talking to you, bitch."

Twisney took a step toward Shelby, who didn't flinch, and all of the men got between them.

Big Jake said, "That's enough, Shelby. Where are you going to go? Our home has been destroyed. We need to stop the zombies."

"Oh, spare me, Daddy," said Shelby. "You don't give a damn about stopping zombies. You just want to get laid."

"So do I," said Lenny in an exhausted mumble. "Can we go to bed now?"

Shelby turned on Lenny, who snapped back at her, and Big Jake shoved the idiotic teenager for getting uppity with his daughter. Twisney launched a verbal aside at Shelby, who took it out on Dr. Nguyen for his wretched idea to keep watch, and soon the yelling and shouting escalated.

Knut ignored everyone, walked over to the bell that Twisney had hurled, and picked it up. He turned and rang the dented cone repeatedly until his bickering, sniping companions stopped to look at him.

"Everybody shut up," Knut said. "I'm so tired that if a zombie showed up right now, I would let him kill me, just to get some rest and to be free of you people."

The others glared at him, but Knut was used to being despised, so he went on.

"We're going to get some sleep, and when we wake up, Dr. Nguyen and I will figure out what to so next because we're the smartest people here."

The others nodded at this clear truth, and Knut said, "Good. Now everybody find a room."

They each grabbed room keys from behind the desk, and they disbursed in separate directions.

"Fine," Shelby said as she went up the stairs. "But I still think Twisney is a bitch."

Twisney shot Shelby an unrelenting glare as she walked down the hallway. Big Jake hurried after Twisney.

"We should probably sleep near each other," Big Jake said. "You know, for protection."

Twisney got to her room and opened the door. She turned and spoke in an annoyed tone.

"Look, how is sleeping with you going to help me out?" Twisney asked.

Big Jake looked at Twisney in shock and fumbled for his answer. No, he wasn't the smoothest.

"That is why you are here, right?" Twisney said. "Standing outside my door."

"Well, yeah," Big Jake admitted. "But what do you mean, how is it going to help you out?"

"You know, further my career, help with the zombie story, comfort me in a time of need, and so on and so on. What's the hook?"

Big Jake pondered this statement for a moment as Twisney looked on impatiently. He brightened and gave her his best elevator pitch for sex.

"I could give you a first-hand account of what it was like to battle the zombies for my home," Big Jake said. "You know, it could be a human interest element, which sometimes gets lost in today's cold, pessimistic news stories."

Twisney thought for a moment and nodded.

"Not a bad angle," she said.

She looked at Big Jake from head to toe. She shrugged and said, "Also, I could use the distraction, and you'll do."

Twisney signaled for Big Jake to enter her room. He happily rushed in, and she closed the door behind him.