I'm a 17 year old female with hormones. Of course I have feelings for Lucas. I'm not just attracted to his body but also his mind. His entire being. And I was stuck hiding my feelings, because he never said that he liked me back, he never mentioned if he had ever thought that I was pretty. He told Riley all the time. Probably because I wasn't attractive? Yeah seems about right. It's been almost two years since the ski lodge incident and like the weakling that I am, I'm still distraught over what happened. Lucas and Riley have been dating a solid year and 8 months and they have grown very serious.
We are now juniors and Riley and Lucas have experimented a bit with their "sex life". She gushed about how about her makes her feel. Not just emotionally. She freaks over the littlest things. She's still a virgin, which is actually surprising considering how close they have gotten.
Every time she mentions Lucas in a sentence I almost want to space out and not listen. But I solider through it because she's my world and she deserves Lucas about a 100x more than me. But still, he makes me so happy and not being with him makes me so sad. But I've been through worse pain so I try to cloud my thoughts, try to hide them, never telling anyone how I really feel.
How everyone thought that I became Riley. How everyone thought that I could never like Lucas. How everyone thought that it was impossible for me to grow and change. Everyone else was allowed to but when I did "I was lying to myself. I was becoming Riley". But like usual I let everyone make their assumptions about me. I didn't ever want to voice my true feelings for Lucas.
*****
Last night I had dream that seem too real, about Lucas. After Lucas chose Riley I slowly started ignoring him. No one seemed to notice. It was better for everyone if I just keep my distance. I of course told him to chose Riley but I still hated him for choosing her. I wanted him, in every way possible.
We were in Anatomy class, ironic, and he and I stayed after class while the teacher was out getting supplies. He grabbed me and threw me onto the teacher's desk. He was smoldering me with his body and I loved it. I felt a heat that was too familiar for me, considering I haven't done anything before, he grabbed my waist and slid his hand down my jeans.
*****
When I had woken up this morning I was sweating and my pajama shorts were uncomfortable. Honestly how am I this frustrated? I should be able to just release some stress. But I swear I've tried everything, it just builds and builds until I am so mad that I lash out. Ignoring Lucas is definitely making it worse because when we he actually notices me his just stares at me. Like he's trying to read my thoughts. His eyes haunt me and make me so flustered.
My friends probably think it's from my period or something. But nope, it's from my stupid hormones getting all happy and such.
Sex isn't the only thing I dream of with Lucas, I dream of him telling me he loves me, I dream of him kissing me and just holding me. But sex is the only thing I can justify; the only thing that I have an excuse for. The rest I don't know.
I was walking around school, lost In my thoughts. I ran into somebody. I was knocked down and I hit my head onto the nearest locker. The weight of the mystery person landed on top of my small frame.
"Hey watch it- oh." I was about to throw hands until I realized it was Lucas who was on top of me, with his hand on my inner thighs. Probably from catching himself from the fall. I clenched my things and I swear I was a tomato. My cheeks were heated and my eyes were avoiding his.
My shirt had ridden up to show my stomach and my shorts were dangerously short, especially in this position. Thank god i got here early for zero period. There wasn't anyone in the halls.
"Wow, erm, sorry Maya." He stuttered. I couldn't help but notice a small bulge in his nether region. Or was I just making that up? I am so frustrated that I can hardly think about anything but sex. Calm yourself Maya, this is Lucas, the boy you obsessively crush on and dream about... but he's also your best friend. Well he was, until he unconsciously broke your damn heart.
I slowly moved my hips to meet his hand. His grip on my thigh loosens before it grips tighter. He was about to lean in when the bell rang. Fuck. What was I doing? I'm such an idiot. I mentally chide myself into reacting this way.
"Let's go to class!" I said clearing my voice. I got out of his grip and stood up. I had to adjust my outfit quickly before anyone saw the mishap. I grabbed my books and backpack as he stood up.
"Haha yeah see you there. I need to go do something..." he trailed off. Starting in the direction of the boys bathroom. I nodded and walked off.
The heat was still there as well as the almost constant ache. There was also a new feeling, every place he touched was on fire. Like he has personally scorched my skin. WTF.
//Lucas//
I was now in the bathroom. Taking care of something that couldn't go without finishing.
When I fell I had to grip her thighs to stop from falling completely onto of her. She practically bucked her hips at me. She was bitting her lip and staring straight into my soul. Why was she so, how do I say this? Eager? It was almost if she wanted this to happen but then again she was completely flustered and definitely regretted whatever simple things we had done.
Nah, just my 17 year old hormones. Maya would never let herself do anything like that willingly. I'm a guy after all, why wouldn't I be attracted to someone my age, of the opposite sex. Especially Maya Hart. God she was so beautiful that it clouds my judgement sometimes. I sigh as I leave the bathroom stall, walking to class about ten minutes late.
I sat down next to Maya who didn't look up at me. I glanced down to see her thighs clenched together. She was almost shaking. Damn she looked beautiful, all frustrated. Why had I never notified her behavior before? Maybe because of my immature brain was now thinking irrationally? Most likely because Riley and I had started to get serious lately and I was confused on how to deal with my emotions.
