Despondency

I'm Drowning In The Déjá Vu

Have you ever experienced that feeling of not being able to breathe? It's like your throat ties into a knot and you're desperately trying to untangle it. The only thing you actually hear is your heart beating. It's so loud that you can't focus on anything else than that. You forget where you are, what you're doing and who you're with. It's like it doesn't matter anymore. This is called panic. Panic mixed with fear and heartbreak. It consumes you and pulls you down into this black hole of nothing. And this is the problem; inside you don't want to leave. You want to stay in this black hole as life passes you by, because maybe it's empty, but at least it's peaceful. There's no noise, no problems to solve, and no one to worry about. There's only you. But of course everything can't be that easy. You can't stay in this hole forever. You have to deal with your problems and solve them. Maybe it's not always that easy, but life isn't easy. It never has been, and it never will be. You have to keep fighting even if there's nothing to fight with. Even if you're absolutely worn out and you tell yourself that there's nothing you can possibly do. You can. And you will. Life doesn't give you choices. You make your own. And you can either tell yourself that you're done and give up, or you can pull yourself out of that black hole, stand up and be brave. You have to listen to yourself and make your own choices. You have to listen to others and let them guide you. Let them help.

-

The ride to the hospital was slow and nerve wrecking. Brad didn't say a word, but I knew that inside he didn't know what to say. He was holding one of his hands in mine stroking it with his thumb once in a while, and if he hadn't held it, I didn't know what the hell I was supposed to do. It was like I needed physical contact to even be sure if this was real. Of course I didn't want it to be, but I didn't want to live in a nightmare, and be all alone. At least I had him. "Do you want to put some music on?", he asked softly glancing at me a bit. How could he manage to do that, steer with one hand and still not crash? It amazed me. "I-I don't know", I mumbled. I honestly didn't know. Part of me wanted to scream and cry with the music in the background, but another part just wanted silence. "Maybe something toned down? It's still there, but it's not too much?". I nodded. I was curious on what he'd find. He plugged his phone in and entered iTunes. A few moments later a piano piece played through the stereo of the car. "Classical?", I stated surprised. I knew he played the piano but I didn't know he liked classical music. It was beautiful. It sounded sad but still you could listen to it for hours and be at peace. "What's it called?". There was a hint of a smile on his face as he answered. "Moonlight Sonata. It's by Beethoven". I listened to it too amazed to do anything else. "When I was younger and started on the piano lessons, I wanted to please my parents. So I studied a lot and listened to all the classical music I could. I got better and I taught myself how to play it. My teacher was very surprised, but my parents not that much". I felt bad for him. He just wanted his parents' acceptance. He never got it. He was raised on strict rules, beatings and hate. No love, warmth and caring. My heart swelled in my chest and I held our hands up to my mouth and kissed his quickly before placing them back in my lap. "What was that for?". He squeezed my hand slightly. "For choosing something as beautiful as a piano piece". He now smiled brightly. Even though I felt numb inside from the fear of seeing my mother, I found myself smiling back at him. His smile was extremely contagious. Sometimes you just needed people you trust and care about. They make hard things easier and complicated things easier to understand.

After two hours of torture we finally arrived at the hospital. Brad opened the door in his side but I didn't move an inch. I was frozen in my spot. "Clara?". The panic was slowly tearing me apart. "I c-can't do it", I stuttered looking through the window. I hated hospitals. I can't be there again. I just can't. "Yes you can. I'm here okay? We'll do it together". Before I got to answer he leaned closer to me and pressed his lips softly on mine. I kissed him back eagerly wanting to forget the hospital. I didn't want to go. I knew I had to, but I just wanted to sit in the car with Brad. I didn't want to face my problems. "Come". He pulled back and got out of the car. Still being stuck in my seat, Brad opened the door to my side and took my hand. He helped me out and I supported myself my wrapping my arm around his waist. I leaned into his side a bit as he locked the car and we began the small trip to the information. My feet felt like they were gluing to the ground and it felt physically impossible to move my legs. Brad helped me through it. He pulled my hand and half dragged me there. He knew he needed to, to make me move. I was grateful.