don't forget about me | ethan cutkosky

|26|

"Have you decided which option you want?" The doctor asked. 

My hands started shaking and my bottom lip trembled as I threw both brochures in the garbage that held information for both options I had to pick. Either I pick to have my ovaries removed and lose a huge chance of having children in the future, but I would be cancer free. Or I choose to do a stronger round of chemo, ruin my organs but I'll be able to have children in the future. Hopefully.

It was a hard decision for me to make. Some people might think it could be an easy decision but it's not. But I made my choice and I finally feel like I'll be at peace soon. 

"I want my ovaries removed. Its the easiest way." I said, weighing out the pros and cons in my head for what felt like the thousandth time. 

He looked at my mom and dad for approval and they nodded, smiling at him. 

"Great, I'll schedule the surgery. We just want to run a few more tests first and you should be on your way to a healthier life soon." He said, closing the folder with my information in it. 

"Thank you." I smiled. 

The doctor left the room and my mom and dad followed behind them. Brooke came in after and wrapped her arms around me. I still wasn't very pleased with her or Ethan after what had happened. 

These new changes coming made me think. This can be my new beginning. My second chance at a happier life. I can start fresh, focus solely on school and get a great job in a great city one day. 

Ethan never fully apologized. He owned up to the fact he fucked up just by saying "I fucked up." But that was it. No, "I'm sorry for abandoning you and cheating on you while you've been in the hospital fighting cancer." Nothing. He said he regretted what he did but again, he's nowhere to be seen and he promised he would see me today. It's almost five in the evening and he's not here. 

My phone rang on the table and I picked it up, my heart skipping a beat at the name on the screen. 

"Ethan? Where are you?" I asked. 

There was laughing and movement on the other end. I could hear a few voices, in the background and crinkling noises. 

"Hey, I can't make it today, I wanted-" He mumbled. 

"Well I kind of figured that.." I said, switching the phone to my other hand. "Where are you?"

He hesitated before answering, telling me not to be mad at him. I demanded him to tell me and when he did I wished I hadn't pushed for an answer. 

"Brooke's house." 

Brooke's head snapped up when she heard Ethan faintly on the other line. She opened her mouth as if she wanted to say something but shut it soon after. 

"Why are you there?" I asked. 

He hesitated again, "She begged me to come to a party she was having. It's been going on for a few hours. After I left the hospital yesterday morning, I got a text from her around one in the afternoon begging me to come. It started around midnight I think and I finally woke up just now."

"Did... Did anything happen?" I asked, my eyes started to fill with tears.

"She tried to have sex with me." 

I told Ethan in a whisper I would call him back and he apologized for not coming but I ignored another one of his pointless apologies. I didn't whisper because I wanted it to be a secret, I whispered because I could barely find my voice. I didn't know where it went, almost as if I had lost it. 

It felt like I lost my life. Not in a death way, but I lost certain aspects of my life that made it worth living. I lost my happiness and reasons to be here. My friend. My best friend. My one true friend. I lost her. I lost her because she obviously doesn't want me to be happy. I lost her and she doesn't even know it yet. I pretty much lost my boyfriend because having sex with multiple random girls, partying and forgetting about me is something that it hard to forgive, but I don't want to lose him. 

I lost the incredibly close bond with my parents. Of course when you grow up you become more independent but the daughter they raised, and the daughter they thought was amazing, wasn't. They don't even know about the things I've done. When I was thirteen I snorted cocaine off the back of a toilet at a teen club, that happened a few more times that summer until I almost got caught. I got drunk for the first time that night, and gave lap dances to guys almost as old as eighteen, but I made money for myself and I was happy. 

I sold drugs with Ethan one night, had sex with him on so many occasions without a condom so we had to steal boxes of the morning after pill on multiple occasions. My mom and dad raised me to be smart and responsible, but I was the complete opposite. My cancer diagnosis is the only thing holding my relationship with them together. 

To top it all off, I lost myself. Probably the most important one of them all. I lost the girl I used to be. I don't even know who I am anymore. 

I lost my life and I don't know if I want it back.

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Fast forward a month and I would be slowly walking down the hallway cancer free. I had my ovaries removed two weeks ago and I just got back my very last X-ray and CT scan. I was finally cancer free!

I saw my mom and dad standing outside my old hospital room with all my stuff in bags. I looked up at them with a big smile and they ran towards me screaming in joy. They grabbed the sheets holding my X-rays on them and they finally looked normal. No cancer.  My dad picked me up and  when I looked at him he was crying. I wrapped my arms around his neck and thanked him for everything they had done. I hugged my mom and said the same. 

Before my surgery two weeks ago, I came clean with them and told them everything I had done wrong. From the drugs to the drinking and the stealing, everything. I realized that in order to live a new and better life, I had to lose the old one. I hadn't completely lost my old life yet because there were still a few more things I had left to do. 

But until then I was at peace. I was so happy I wanted to cry. My life was partially back to normal and there would be no more waking up to shitty hospital food every morning, no more waiting for tests to come back to tell me whether or not the cancer had spread, no more painful chemo, no more fear, and no more sad tears. 

Who knew I had to lose one life to be able to find a better one.

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holy shit guys i've had this chapter finished literally for almost five days but whenever i went to click the publish button i would get sad im sorry for the wait :(

this technically isn't the last chapter because i still have the epilogue to write and upload but im so so sad because i will miss writing this, it was so much fun to write!

i love you all so so so so so fucking much and thank you for all of your sweet comments and your support, it means so so much to me i hope you guys know how much you mean to me<3

i'll talk to you guys in the epilogue that will probably be up in a day or two, so talk to you soon, i love you all

xoxoxo