Heavy Wears The Crown

Forty Eight

"I don't know Nolan maybe because I don't want to? You played games with me, you toyed with my feelings, you lied to me, you deceived me-"

"I loved you!" I yelled and smacked myself in the chest several times. "You wanna talk about what I did to you? There it is! I loved you. God damn it Carter." I turned around and started storming back to the restaurant, I stopped at the steps and turned back around to face her, she hadn't moved an inch. "The way I loved you Carter...it was consuming. You came in like some sort of virus and took down my system one organ at a time until I couldn't think of anything but you, until I couldn't breathe unless you were there, until my heart couldn't fȕcking beat with anyone but you! Have you any freaking clue what it's like to love someone so completely with every God-damned fiber of your being that everything you know, everything you've always known is a mystery? Huh? Have you?" I yelled and took several steps forward until we were nearly against each other.

"You don't know anything Carter. You think I'd stop sleeping around, stop getting high and partying as some sort of game? Put myself through withdrawal for what? Some sort of trick? A fȕcking bet? I loved you. And I wanted these five minutes to tell you that. To tell you that I am still wildly, confusingly, crazily in love with you. To tell you that I have thought of you every second, of every minute, of every day since you left me." She stood, mute in front of me, hands into fists tears running down her face and smearing her eyeliner. "And if you come back I will give you my entire paycheck if that's what it takes, I'd build you a house by hand if I thought it would make you happy, I'd toss out my career and start carving faces into soap and selling them on the street to get by if I thought that's what you wanted. I would do it even if you don't love me, even if you hate me, even if you just want to be friends or if you're just there for my money. I don't care what the reason is so long as you are beside me. I can't sleep without you, I can't think, I can't sing, I can't even breathe. I let you go because I thought it's what you needed, because I wanted you to be happy and I knew that someone like me could never be good enough for you and then you go fȕcking missing."

I cupped her cheeks and pulled her body against mine. I breathed heavily out of my nose and clenched my jaw furiously reliving the past two days.

"You go fȕcking missing and it hits me that I really have lost you. That not sleeping, not thinking, not breathing, that it's permanent without you and I didn't care about anything but finding you, and holding you, and loving you for the rest of my pathetic life. I didn't want anything but to see you do all those obsessive and stupid things I'm always teasing you for doing. I didn't want anything but to be in the same room as you and just know that you were okay. I asked your father for permission to marry you, and after offering to kick my ass, he suggested I should maybe start with asking you go out with me. Be my girlfriend. Be with me. Let me love you." I laughed lightly. "Or don't. Don't love me, don't be with me, don't kiss me. But please for the love of God. Come back to me. Work for me, tour with me, let me work for you I don't care. I don't care if we have sex, I don't care if you insult me every moment of every day for the rest of my life. I'm just going to be so content to stand back and watch you meticulously count out your hair ties and color code my closet. I'm just going to be content to be in the same room as you so I can watch you do all those little things I nag you for doing, the things I am so obsessed with seeing you do. I love you Carter Reid, all of you, forever. Whether you love me or not, I love you and I will do anything if you stay, if you just let me love you."

She let out a breath and raised her chin to look me in the eye. Her mascara was running, her eyes red and glossed over, cheeks turning different shades of red in different places. As much as I hated for her to cry, no one could look more beautiful while doing it. "Why would I want you to carve soap?" She breathed.

I pulled her face into mine, kissing her hard, taking all of her in or letting her take all of me. It was hard to tell. She wrapped her arms around me, I bunched the fabric of her dress into my fist, I wanted to live in this moment. This moment where she wore her pretty dress for me, where she shared her body with me, where there was a glimmer of belief that she wanted me half as much as I needed her.

We came apart and she whispered. "You terrify me."

"I terrify you?" I muttered desperate to kiss her again.

She nodded slowly. "You...I mean you lie and the drugs I and..." Her eyes found mine. "You could break me in an instant Nolan." She whispered as though it as her best kept secret. It probably was. A secret she'd kept from her friends, her family, herself. "With a single word, you could kill me." She muttered and I could feel her gaze boring into my eyes while mine turned down to her lips as I brought my thumb lightly across the bottom one. Her lipstick was smeared, and probably all over me too. Red dress, red lipstick.

"I wouldn't Carter. I love you too fȕcking much." I forced myself to look up to her eyes again. "I won't hurt you."

Amusement took over her face. "Want to make a bet about that."

With a growl I slid my hand to the back of her neck and pulled her into me forcing my lips against hers again.

"Let's get out of here." Her words pressed against my mouth and I pulled away to stare at her red face incredulously. 

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Chapter dedication to @perhapsisjustarumor for taking the time to design me a cover!! I LOVE fan art! The cover will temporarily be changed to her cover as a thank you, and future readers will be able to find he cover on this chapter from now on (:

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