Relapse ★ Bucky Barnes

I Can't Take This Pain

"Because I'm scared, Steve," she said as a few tears managed to escape. "I'm scared to fall asleep—I'm scared of what I'll see if I close my eyes."

Steve knew then that Marlena was worse off than he thought. When her mom had passed, he could remember her wanting nothing more than to fall asleep to rid herself of the pain, but now it appeared to be the opposite. Marlena feared the pain would follow her and become worse if she allowed herself to sleep, and that wasn't what she wanted. She didn't want to find herself inside a subconscious nightmare when she was already living in the middle of one.

"Mar. . ." Steve trailed off, unsure of what to say to her. He wanted to help her, but he wasn't sure how to.

"Do you understand how horribly it hurts to watch the first man you've ever loved lose his life at the hands of the man you would give your life for?" Marlena spoke through her tears, her voice strained. "I could very easily accept my dad's death the way I accepted my mom's if I didn't see Bucky's face every damn time I thought about him. He would still be here right now had it not been for Hydra—had it not been for the Winter Soldier—and I can't put into words just how much that pains me."

"I'm so sorry, Marlena."

Marlena shook her head quickly and wiped her face, though it didn't do very much good. "Don't apologize for something that was out of your control."

Steve took a step closer to her, reaching a hand out to place on her arm. "You know this was out of Bucky's control as well."

"I know," Marlena said, her voice cracking. "But it doesn't change what happened."

"Please don't tell me you're giving up on Bucky, Marlena," Steve pleaded with her. "This is what Ross wants—he wants you to give up on him. Why the hell do you think he showed you that video?"

"Maybe because he wanted me to know the truth, y'know since Tony couldn't tell me," Marlena remarked.

Steve frowned, his blue eyes sad as he looked down at Marlena. "Does this mean you're not gonna witness for him tomorrow?"

Steve's question caused the tears to flow faster down her face. "I don't know," she cried.

"Mar—"

"I love Bucky more than anything in this world, but I can't take this pain anymore," Marlena cut him off. "I have tried so hard to find one singular memory of my dad from my childhood that brings me even the least bit of happiness, but every time I stumble across one, I see Bucky's face, and I can't physically bear the pain it brings me. I can't handle knowing that Bucky once held me lovingly to his side using the very arm he used to take my dad away from me; I can't handle knowing that the face I've grown to love so dangerously over the last few years belongs to the man behind the mask and the goggles in that video. I just can't handle this pain."

A single tear sneaked its way out of Steve's eye as he listened to her, but he quickly wiped it away. "You don't know how much I wish there was something I could do to take that pain away from you, Marlena, but I know there's not."

Marlena sniffed and shook her head. "You're right. . .there's not."

"A-are you not c-coming tomorrow?" Steve spoke nervously.

Marlena shrugged her shoulders in response, her eyes drooping as the emotional exhaustion began to settle inside her body. "I can hardly think for myself right now, let alone anyone else, Steve."

"Please go," Steve pleaded with her once more. "He needs you."

"I need people, too—people that I'm never gonna see again," Marlena responded rather absentmindedly.

The sound of her words was enough to send an overwhelming amount of hurt into Steve's body. He knew she wasn't in the right mind at the moment, and he knew she was still trying to process everything that had just been dumped on her, but he couldn't help but hate that those words had even come out of her mouth in the first place. He knew she needed people, and he also knew the ones she needed possessed a strong likelihood of never returning, but to Steve, her words were insinuating that Bucky was at fault when both of them knew he wasn't.

"Marlena, please. . ."

Marlena swallowed the lump in her throat and held her hand out to Steve. She was done with the topic regarding Bucky and the trial, at least for the moment she was. She couldn't think straight at all, and talking about the situation would only further worsen things. "Can I have the pills, please? I don't wanna have to force them away from you."

Steve let out a sigh and handed her the bottle of pills to which she took without hesitation. "I guess I'll understand if I don't see you tomorrow," Steve spoke quietly, but sadly.

"Goodnight, Steve," Marlena said to him as she moved passed him to head to her room.

Steve could only watch as she disappeared into the hallway, his worry for her seeming to grow as the seconds passed. He just hoped he'd see her tomorrow; it would somewhat ease his nerves and take away the dull ache he felt inside his chest due to recent events. All he wanted was for things to go back to the way they used to be, but there was no chance in that happening if Marlena didn't show up tomorrow. As much as he didn't want to admit it, Marlena was Bucky Barnes's only chance.