How To Begin Again

Chapter 25 - Drunk And I Am Seeing Stars

"I think you're right." Matt agreed as the group found themselves standing and following Evan through the back door and into the kitchen.

"You can all just go through there to the dining room and take a seat around the table if you want, Jamie, Matt and Adriana, do you want a drink?" Evan's words were friendly and kind.

"That sounds good to me." Jamie answered.

"Yes please." Matt added.

"Okay but don't pour me too much." Adriana asked thinking of her mother. She didn't want to ever get to the point where she had no control.

"No problem," Evan replied, "Here you go." He said as he gave a glass each to the three of them. They all walked into the living room and took seats around the mahogany wooden table, upon which sat a beautiful purple vase of pastel pink flowers. A collection of photo frames of all shapes and sizes hung on the wall in a collage, all different shades of grey matching perfectly with the pale blue walls. On a small coffee table sat a vintage brass lamp alongside a framed picture of Evan's mother and father, again with a light shade to match the others. Above them a silver set of lights with crystal bulbs lit up the room. They sat together around the table and all felt a strong sense of belonging, a feeling that meant so much to them, a feeling that echoed through the room and took flight in their thoughts. They were together again and that meant everything to them.

Adriana sat down on one of the remaining chairs and took a drink from the cup. The gloomy liquid fell down her throat leaving a fiery after taste, reminding her of the night that she had sat in the back of Jamie's car. Her thoughts collected together slowly as Matt kissed her on the cheek and whispered 'I love you.'

"I really love the decoration in here," Naomi said as Evan and Jamie came from the kitchen and sat down in the two chairs that were empty, "It's changed so much since I last came." Naomi stood up and looked at the intricate frames, staring at the photos they held. She pointed at a picture of two young boys climbing the branches of a tree and laughed "look at how much you've both grown up."

"It's strange to think how time flies," Jamie said looking over at the picture in wonder, "I can't believe how long it's been. I can remember that day well. We climbed so high into the trees and Evan's mum had taken the picture and was telling us not to climb any higher." Jamie laughed.

"We still kept climbing," Evan added, his mind wondering to the past. "two little boys we were, never listening to anything anyone told us."

Sitting together comfortably they spoke about memories, about the times they had spent together and how things had changed so fast. Drinking down the dark liquid they laughed, reminiscing the good times. They spoke about the present, about the relationships that were slowly beginning to unveil. They spoke about the future and promised that they would spend more time with one another. Around the table they sat as an inseparable group of friends, feeling as if there place in this world was worth it. The group all felt a strong sense of belonging for they were at peace with the world.

As Adriana let the last drops of the drink fall into in her mouth she stood with a slight feeling of dizziness. "I'm just going to get some fresh air." She decided.

"Do you want me to come with you?" Matt asked quietly.

"No I'm fine, I'll just be a couple of minutes." And with those words she was gone. She walked through the kitchen and out of the back door taking a seat on the bench. Looking up into the sky which had now fallen to darkness, she gazed at the stars, seeking comfort.

*

"So where are you actually from?" Evan asked Matt as he took a drink.

"I'm from a small town not far from here," he answered, "I try to stay away from there for as long as I can."

"And why's that?" Emily questioned curiously.

"Unfortunately my past isn't as fun and adventure-packed as all of yours," he said now in a more serious tone, "I've been running from it all of my life."

"Well you're always welcome here with us, any friend of Adriana's is a friend of ours." Jemima smiled. She had sat quietly for the majority of the previous conversations but now spoke up in her kind tone offering support as her eyes gleamed. Jemima had always been a gentle soul who was welcoming, willing and always there for anyone who needed her.

"That really means a lot to me," he replied smiling, "true friends are often hard to come by."

*

Adriana sat as the occasional rain drop fell onto her head, slipping down onto her blue dress. Her mind raced through a multitude of thoughts, from Matt's soft grey eyes to the dark liquid to the bridge to her childhood memories. She thought about her mother, hoping she was safe at home. 'Why would anyone want to love me?' she thought to herself as a tear crept into the corner of her eye. Having Matt had brought light into Adriana's life, he was an ocean that had washed away her troubles. The instant he pulled Adriana up from the pavement on the night they had met he had pulled her away from the sadness that she was drowning in. She closed her eyes as a hand grabbed her shoulder. For a second she was thought it was Matt but was shocked to see Jamie's face staring down at her as her eyes opened.

"Are you feeling okay?" He asked, "would you like me to get you a glass of water?"

"How could you do it to me?" She burst out, the anger beginning to stir in her voice. "How could you build my hopes so high only to have them fall to the ground."

"I didn't do it to hurt you Ade, I'd had too much to drink and I couldn't keep control."

"Do you remember the night that I ran into the road? The night that you took me in and dropped me home. You made me so happy that night, I thought after all our years of friendship nothing could ever happen between us. But I was wrong, I felt something strong for you, something that I had never felt before. I trusted you, I've trusted you all of my life. We've lived through so much together, I-I" Her words melted before her as the tears fell slowly down her face. They were the type of tears that meant nothing and everything all at once.

"Adriana I really didn't mean to hurt you, we've lived through so much together, growing up with one another. You mean so much to me and I can't lose you," his words were shaky as he put on a strong front, "I understand that you've found someone else now and that there can never be anything between us, but please don't shut me out forever, please just forgive me so that we can be friends, so we can forget about what happened and leave it in the past." His voice echoed a tone of regret. "I can't promise that I won't stop loving you, but I can promise that I will never do anything to hurt you again. You mean too much to me." He put his hand on top of Adriana's and squeezed it tight as Jemima walked out of the door to say her goodbyes, "I'll see you soon, we've all planned to go to the bridge together sometime soon," she said in her sweet tone. Her eyes flickered as she saw Jamie's hand on Adriana's. "Good night." she added as she unlatched the gate and walked out into the night.

Adriana stood up about to walk back through the door and into the kitchen before turning around, looking directly at Jamie's deep, blue eyes. "I'm sorry" she said, "but I really can't do this. I'm sorry that I fell in love with someone else, someone I truly care for. I'm sorry that I will never be able to trust you again and I'm sorry that you have sit with nothing whilst I have everything." The tears had faded into nothingness on her cheeks, her voice was bitter as the night's air grew colder. "I'm sorry that you made a stupid decision to mess around with my feelings and I'm sorry that I don't love you but without you I wouldn't have met Matt, so for that I thank you." And with those final words she walked back into the house, her mind shattered and broken. 'If only I could begin again' she thought.

*

The past is a very strange thing, some people run from it, some people long for it, some learn from it and some regret it but in the end the past is over. You cannot hold onto it. Every single second of our lives becomes our past and as the years go by we look back on those seconds and remember the times when we felt something. Whether it be happiness, sadness, anger or hope, we remember. But no matter how hard the past, you can always begin again.