Our Space

Chapter 39

"I feel like I don't know anything anymore," Sami said, running his hands through his hair in frustration. "How did you end up with him?" He asked, referring to his father.

"Your father? Well, to be honest, he was so charming. He swept me right off my feet."

"Why are you still with him now?"

"Because I still love him. And to be honest, since his second marriage, he's been far nicer to me."

"You don't deserve this though."

"I do deserve this," Sami's mother whispered. Her eyes filled with tears as she continued to speak in a low tone. "Don't think I don't know how I've treated you. I was never there for you after the first few years of school. I was selfish and self-absorbed. I justified all my silliness to myself. And then through your teens, I barely knew you. I began to feel guilty but it came out in frustration at you. Do you know my biggest regret in life?" She asked, wiping away her tears. Sami shook his head as he felt himself begin to shake. "My biggest regret are those words I said when you were leaving for university. Sometimes, I'd look at you and see a stranger and it hurt me so much. When you were walking away, I thought I was losing you for good. So I said, my days of rest are here. I don't know why I said it. I haven't rested since." By now, Sami had tears in his eyes too.

"Don't cry, please. We all make mistakes."

"Your entire life, I've made mistake after mistake."

"It's okay. Things are fine now, aren't they?" Sami asked, wishing his mother would stop hurting and the tears would dry up.

"Are they? Does the past still hurt you?"

"I try not to think about it."

"Is this the relationship you want with me?"

"I... I think so..." Sami said, though he knew it wasn't true. Sami wanted the kind of relationship Harris had with his mother. Sami had met Harris' mother a couple of times and both times, Harris joked with her, teasing her and hugging her. That's what Sami secretly desired but concluded it was impossible.

"I don't. I want to go back in time and hold you as a baby again. I want to do it all over again properly."

"It's okay," Sami said, leaning closer to his mother. "Please don't cry," He begged. His mother put her head on his shoulder.

"Forgive me, I've let you down."

"No, you haven't. You're my mother, you don't owe me anything. I owe you everything."

"I love you, Sami. Make sure you remember that. I always have but I didn't know what to do. I didn't have any support or anyone to guide me. I didn't know the mistakes I was making. Everything was wrongfully justified." Sami's mother clutched his shirt, soaking it with tears and Sami's heart tore. Never had he imagined his mother would be apologising to him. Rather he'd convinced himself that everything was his fault.

"Everything's okay now though. I see you and Manahil all the time. I'm happily married to Radia and my training at work's going well. Things are okay," Sami assured his mum, kissing her head. "And I love you too." Sami realised this was the first time they'd said this to each other and he felt a glow inside himself through all the pain.

Sami held his mother and looked up towards the door to see Radia peaking in and wiping away her tears. She quickly disappeared when she saw Sami looking at her.

"I hear you and Radia were having some problems," Sami's mother said, startling him. She moved back, facing Sami.

"Yeah, we did but we're getting better now," Sami replied, scratching the back of his head.