Our Story

My Fault

I miss her, I love her. What has happened to drive her away? I did it.

     I drove her away.

     I hurt her so badly and I can't change it.

     I feel...I feel like shit. I don't like cussing but it's the only word that comes to my mind. My heart has committed suicide; I wish I could do the same. I wish I could slice myself open and watch the blood flow. I am suffocating under the pain, heartbreak, and guilt. So much guilt.

     I wish I could go back and fix it; I wish I could change the past. I wish I could help. But the best way I can help is to let her go. 'If you love something let it go'. I am letting her go. I can't keep hurting her. I wish I could say I regret our friendship or my love for her, but that would be a lie.

     Someone please slit my throat, end this pain. I can't live without her. I need her, her smile, her voice, her laugh. What do I do? How can I let her go? I have no right to keep hurting her. I am a criminal for doing so. Lock me up, throw away the key. Give me the death penalty, please.

     She knows me so well, she knows I worry and blame myself. I should, it is my fault after all. I will never forgive myself for as long as I know she is in pain. I scarred her, maybe for life. Mental scars are almost impossible to heal or even stitch together. I'd rather curl into a ball, hide in my room, cry, sleep, and talk to no one. But I put on a smile; don't let them see how hurt you are.

     I don't want to keep pretending, I don't want to show I am hurt. I want Air. I want to stop hurting her, to stop hurting me. I want to lie in my room on my bed and blare my rock music until my eardrums break. I want to take my laser and shine it into my eyes until I go blind. I want to take a knife to my chest and cut out my heart.

     I will get up in the morning and go to school. I will put on a smile even if I want to cry. I will not let them see my pain. I will find a way to move on. I can't let her go but I have to. I am going to die inside to lose my best friend, my sister, and my love.

     But she will hopefully be better, and that is what I want. It is what I always wanted for her. To be happy.   I don't know what to do. I feel so scared, broken, and lost. I wish I could talk to her. I wish I could hold her, tell her that everything is going to be okay. How do you tell somebody it's going to be ok if you are the one who broke them? I wish we could forget everything, rewind time, and start over. I wish for so many things.

     But what would you do if you hurt the person you loved the most? I haven't found the answer yet, I wish I could. I step away but I wish I wouldn't. I watched my neighbor's house catch on fire earlier and felt nothing, no worry or fear. I felt nothing.

     A little while ago I talked vaguely about the situation between Airy and me to my grandmother. You can't hide anything from anyone in my family. You may think you got away with something, they let you getaway. I was talking about Airy my friend, not Airy my crush, and yeah my grandma knew anyway. I wouldn't tell her exactly what I did, I couldn't. She didn't press me. She knew I was fighting to not cry, she knew it hurt me to talk about it.

     Lately just saying Air's name brings tears to my eyes. She told me that I can't keep blaming myself, because I can't do anything to help with being so far away. She also told me I can only say sorry and explain everything, then let go and leave the other person to the forgiving. Now whether they do or not is nothing I could change.

     I wish I could take those words to heart, I really do. I want to do what she says and just be happy. I want my friends to be happy, I want to be happy; I really want Airy to be happy. If only, if only. I keep trying to talk to her, write her an email or poem but whenever I try to, I start crying and then I erase everything and lecture myself.

     I am sitting here writing, with my dog, Angel, lying next to me. I pet her, and watch her, seeing how simple, free, and loving a life she lives. I wish for one day just one day like that. That is the day I will know my life is getting better. My life is great and amazing compared to millions out there. For that I am grateful. I am grateful for so many things. So I feel guilty when I ask God for things.

     I have it so much better than others, a family that loves me, food on the table, a roof over my head, and clothes on my back. But I lie in my bed and pray to God and ask him to let me have one hour to talk to Airy and have her forgive me. I feel guilty and I don't know if I should be guilty of the things I am guilty of.

     Someone take me away, take everything away, rescue me, and hold me close. Somebody tell me what to do, please save me. Save her. Save Us All.