Broken heart of a warrior (ON HOLD)

Chapter 4

I couldn’t sleep that night. The mind is a powerful force.  The day’s events kept replaying through my mind.  The moment of seeing my father again, his words, his voice, his presence left me rattled.  I had almost lost it.  It has been a long time since the beast gained that much control without me wanting it to.  Every thought I had and every desire I had was flowing through me and pulling there was not escape it was like a shadow that could not be removed.  I have been trying all night to use skills I learned while at the Academy but it is still lingering in back of my mind in the hidden part where darkness lies.  Jonathan has changed.  Something has distorted him.  Whatever it is has left him stained and altered his aura.  If I was the reason for this change that brings me some satisfaction but he will suffer, he will suffer like I have.  When the time is right, he will lose what he wanted so much to protect.  The cost of this was to sacrifice me, his own flesh and blood.

I thought I knew the man who gave me life at one point but I was sadly mistaken when I went to him.  He betrayed me and sold me out…, wait what did he say… oh yeah… filthy dog.  He sold me as a filthy dog to filthy academy where I was never to return from or survive.

I part of me is anxious I can feel the emotion something I am not too comfortable with.  What will I do when I finally face Alessandros again? Just thought of him my heart always beats a little faster.  I was never claimed but he is my mate and our souls and wolfs are one. This is something nobody can change.  No one will ever make me feel the same as him.  I have tried many times to forget or even tried to fall in love with someone else, but nothing changed.  Even Blade has tried to help me to forget.  Over the year he has filled the emptiness but not the hole or longing inside.  We are able to tend to each other’s needs but our relationship is more like friends with benefits.

Although I didn´t mate with Alessandros I still feel bonded to him.  There were many nights I cried out to the tundra for rescue for release.  I felt my heart being beaten and stabbed with such pain.  We howled and screamed till my voice disappeared and I became hollow in side.  But I cannot let go of our connection it is a part of me that is still there.  I fear how I will respond when I see him again.  That year before I was sent away, Alessandros and I spent together it was a year full of love and pain.  I suffered because of him.  All I did was believe in my mate, trusted in him and our love.  I was so in love with him that when he betrayed me it was like having your heart torn from your chest while it is still beating and feeling life drain from you with every beat.  He was all I lived for; his love was everything to me.  I loved him with everything I was with my body and soul.  I would even have sacrificed my life for his if needed. But in the end I was not enough.  He chose another person, another person who has taken my rightful place beside him. He rejected me as his mate, his wife and as the future mother of his children. He took that all that away from me.  Someday soon he will realize that was the biggest mistake he ever made and he will pay for it as well.

I can´t explain how bad it hurts, even after five years it still hurts.  It is what makes us go insane.  It is a pain that there is no way to describe but it breaks you and sends you into the pits of Hell. 

Damn this place! 

At some time in the middle of the night sleep consumed me while I finished having a self-pity party.  I woke to the clock on my table going off and groaned.  I slowly got up and went to the bathroom knowing I had only slept for two hours, but I need my meditation.  There was no way I was going to make it through this day without taking time to regroup and deal with all stress and madness inside of me. The only way I will be able to continue on this mission is with a clear mind and for that I need to meditate very often.  If I don’t it is likely the beast will take over and I will not be able to contain it one the blood lust takes over.  So I dressed in yoga pants and a shirt with long sleeves, tied my hair up and put on my sun glasses. I looked ridiculous, who goes to meditate with shades on the eyes in the early dawn when the sun hasn’t even awaken yet?  Yeah, definitely someone who lost their mind or even better is completely stupid. I took a small blanket from the wardrobe and walked barefoot into the garden.