paper thin (phan)

t h i r t e e n

fanart by @Rebel_Faith

It had been a full day, and Dan hadn't woken up.

It had been a full day, and Phil hadn't slept.

It had been a full day, and Phil stayed right by Dan's side the whole twenty-four hours. Louise insisted on him going home multiple times but after minutes of arguing, she realized there was no point and left after hugging Phil.

Chris had shot him dirty looks the whole time, not speaking a word until finally Phil snapped.

"What?"

"This is the second time," Chris hissed, glaring at Phil. "The second time my little brother has been in the hospital- even just in the past month!"

"I protected him both times!" Phil retorted.

"No, you tried to protect him both times- and failed!" Chris yelled back. "He's just a teenager! He doesn't need you in his life if this is what you're gonna do to him! He was a mess when you left him, a mess- he wouldn't eat, wouldn't sleep, he wouldn't even talk! All because of you! You're just a destructive little tornado of selfish-ness that keeps knocking down what Dan has been trying to build up for years!" Phil flinched at the insults. "I'm tired of seeing him so hurt- mentally and physically, especially when he knows that its your fault but he's so crazy about you that he doesn't wanna leave you! You've got him wrapped around your finger and you know it!"

"I never meant for this to happen!" Phil shot back, eyes watering and fists clenching.

"Well it did! You know what my father said- he said you'll never see him again if this happens, and it did! So get out of here! Get out of our lives! You're a harmful burden to everybody around you, all you do is hurt people's feelings and try and pretend like you're the victim when it comes back to you! Well, if my brother doesn't wake up, then this is all your fault!" They were screaming at each other now, ignoring bystanders' glances while Phil began to cry as Chris hurled correct labels at him.

Phil had never cried in front of anybody really. Only showed anger, but Chris was saying the truth in such a mean way that it was knocking his emotional wall down. Phil turned to see Dan's parents watching.

"I think you should go," Dan's father spoke first. Phil paused, tears falling from his cheeks. "I think you should go and don't come back. Please."

Phil took one last look at Dan, admiring that pretty face of his. His eyelids were closed, hair tangled in a curly mess with his tan hands at his sides. His freckles littered his plump cheeks, head tilted to the side on his pillow. His chest was rising and falling, lips shut that Phil never had the chance to kiss.

And at this point, he may never get that chance again.

❦

It's been hours and Phil hasn't gotten out of the bath. All he's thought about was how bad he messed up, how he's been a burden to Dan the minute he met him, and how all of this is his fault. Sure, maybe Jason would've bullied him anyway, but not like this. Not if Phil had just refused to do the bet.

The water in the bath was cold as Phil puffed out a cloud of smoke, cigarette lose in between his fingers. His music was loud, drowning out any rude remarks his mother would yell from downstairs. He ran his free fingertips along the surface of the water, closing his eyes as he remembered his lowest point in life in this very tub. The night he wanted to give up.

Eventually Phil used the little motivation he had left and stepped out, drying himself with the towel and draining the water before putting on comfortable pajamas. He sat at his desk, just simply sitting there and staring at the wall and feeling numb. Then a piece of paper hidden underneath his notebook caught his eye.

He blinked and moved forward, brushing the book off the drawing to see the same drawing he had hid from Dan the night he rejected him. The one of him crying.

He stared at it, holding his cigarette between his fingers with the other hand.

"I'm so sorry," Phil sighed out.

He wanted him to wake up so bad, to have another chance to finally kiss the brunette, to finally explain why he did what he did and how he meant no harm and tell him how much he loved him. But Phil didn't deserve those opportunities. He didn't deserve Dan in general.

Dan was fine before Phil. Dan was finally piecing his little puzzle together after that one night, then suddenly Phil comes back and knocks the pieces off the table. They're scattered- Dan is scattered, pieces of him on the floor and it's all Phil's fault. It's all Phil's fault that Dan is unconscious in a hospital bed, it's all Phil's fault that the Howell family hates him, that Louise pities him, that he's smoking right now and that Dan got beat up.

When Phil had got home after today, his mother questioned his whereabouts in which Phil didn't even answer, only continued crying. His mother only said his name once, dripping confusion, but Phil ignored him and she didn't check on him once since then.

Phil just wanted to feel cared for. And God, Dan cared about Phil. He really cared about him, and Phil really cared about Dan, and that is why Phil is here crying with a cigarette between his chapped lips and Dan is in a hospital bed with tubes between his nostrils.

Suddenly the shrill ringing of his phone sounded out, Phil groaning and trying to ignore it, but it's like each ring got louder. He eventually got out and picked up his phone, raising the device to his ear with a shaky hand and taking a quick drag of the nicotine.

"Phil?"

It was Louise.

"What? What is it?"

"It's Dan," she gasped out. "He's awake. Phil, he's okay."