Stay Away from Pleasure

Chapter Forty-Four

18:22PM

Let's go back to Michigan...

Today's the day of the funeral. Everyone is depressed and preparing to say goodbye. The dark, looming aura hovers above us all and so do the browning leaves and the cloudy sky.

Traditionally, I'm in the "mournful" colour black. I'm wearing a long sleeved, belted, black peplum dress and black open-toed heels. My hair is crawling down my neck, free and out to roam in the air. My father loved my hair. Loved. Past tense. In the past. That's all he is now. He's in the past. Gone. There's no more papas and daffodils and stern voices and tucking me in before I sleep and raised voices and cold stares and intimidating words when I roll my eyes at him. In the past. That's all it is now. It's in the past.

I guess when somebody dies, you miss more than just the person, the body, their physical form. You miss everything that came with it, the charming personality or the low, heavy laugh. It's more than just missing that hug when you were crying, even though that's worth missing, but it's even the smallest of things that you didn't even notice when they were around. For example how they refused to burp in public, they always covered their mouth when they sneezed with their left hand, with the pinky slightly pointing outwards or even how when they yawned, the sound was only quiet enough to hear if you were in a room alone and no one was making a sound.

To me, I never took him for granted. One thing I was always raised to do was to appreciate my surroundings and everyone in my life, especially my parents, but that went unsaid. With that said, I know I could've been a better daughter to him. I could've visited. Maybe I would've noticed, would've known how sick he was. He looked so lifeless in that bed when Matt and I went to visit him. I should've been there. I should've been there.

An arm wrapping around my shoulder breaks me out of my trance.

"We're going in now." Matt says, "I know what you're thinking, Lisette. There was nothing you could've done. It was his time."

I close my eyes, blinking back the tears. "Couldn't I have just had a little longer. Just a little longer, Matt."

I feel my voice trail off to who knows where and that's when I know I can't fight it anymore. I'm so fed up with crying. Immediately, I push Matt away from me when I feel him trying to comfort me.

"That'll only make me cry even more." I mumble and he nods, understanding.

"He's in a better place now." Matt sighs, stroking my arm.

I almost roll my eyes, almost. "You don't even believe that."

Reassuringly, he smiles at me, "as long as he isn't suffering anymore, he's in a better place."

I punch his arm and combust with tears, almost crashing into his body, "but he can't feel anything! He can't hear us and can't see us. He can't feel our pain! He'll never know how much we miss him, love him and–and how much I'm sorry!"

All I feel is a warm cushion wrap around me and I know that I am engulfed in Matt's warmth. As I expected, the comfort doesn't stop my tears at all. Trembling in his arms, I soak his suit with my tears. Sad eyed, I try to pull back but Matt doesn't let me. He kisses the top of my head with a shaky breath and that's when I remember, he's lost someone too. This is the second time 'round, in fact. 

Looking up, his face says everything. Stained with tears, his cheeks curl up as he smiles at me as if to make me feel better. I can only shake my head and wipe his tears away. His eyes look almost as lifeless as my father's did. No colour. No expression. Lingering with pain.