Addict (SetoSolace)

Fourteen: "Good"

I know I am bad. I know I am, and always will be, the Dark Sorcerer. I know that I am meant to be feared, meant to be seen as evil, meant to use my every waking hour against mankind.

But for the moment, all I want to do is sleep.

And, perhaps, when I sleep, I can count as neutral. Not bad. Not the ever unachievable good. Just... there. Neutral.

All I've ever wanted is to be not bad. I want to help people. I want to drop my Addiction. I want to be appreciated. I want people to, when they think, "I've got this problem," immediately think afterwards, "I can go to Seto. I can always go to Seto."

But I ruined that.

Oh, Notch, I ruined that.

Sudden sobs rack my body, and I can't seem to stop them, no matter how hard I try. Soon I'm gasping for breath, rocking back and forth and hugging my knees and crying into them and wondering how I got into this mess, wondering how "Try it, Seto! Think of everything you could do if only you tried Dark Magic!" turned into "Bad, Seto. You are bad. You are Dark, and you can never be Light again. Never again, because now you are Addicted, and there is no going back."

I tug on my hair, pulling until it hurts, shrieking in pain because I don't know what else to do, and I'm so lost, I'm so lost, and I need to let out all the built up self-hatred but I just don't want to be bad, and so I don't want to go outside for fear that I will be bad, and I just don't know what to do.

I sob until my throat hurts and my head hurts, too; I sob until there are no tears left to cry and no voice left to scream; I sob until the only thing I can manage to think is "Bad, bad, bad," and the only thing I can manage to say is, "Sorry, sorry, sorry."

Eventually I fall asleep like that, cheeks tear-soaked, voice so hoarse I can hardly speak, emotions so twisted that I can hardly tell happy from sad.

I fall asleep on the cold, hard floor of my lonely, dark basement, and I wish, in the back of my mind, that I will never again wake up.

☼☼☼

I suppose it is always at the oddest and most inconvenient of times that one's doorbell must be rung.

And so it is that, with hair ruffled, cloak crumpled (and still bloodied and torn), and cheeks still stained with dirt and tears, I drag myself up the spiral staircase and to the front door.

Logically, I should pause to wonder who could possibly be ringing my doorbell. A citizen, lost in my woods and not knowing the Hell they are walking into? Perhaps, or perhaps something entirely different. Regardless, today I have no brain power to be spent on trivial questions that can be answered with the simple turn of a doorknob.

"Who goes there," I say flatly, hoarsely, and not at all scarily as I open the door.

"Uh, hey, so, three things! One: your forest is super scary. Two: uh, the Burg is a very scary place and also the road between the Burg and the City is, too. And, um, three: I was wondering if maybe just maybe you would mind letting me stay here for like just a day or two, or maybe even a few hours because I know you probably hate me and all but I just really need a few hours of safe rest because I have no clue what I'm doing and I'm so lost and I'm so scared and I didn't know what to do at all but then I thought, 'Maybe I can go to Seto-'"

Without any words at all, I lurch forward and wrap my arms around him, tightly, tightly, and I don't think I'll ever let go, ever. Before I know it I'm sobbing into his shirt, which is dirty and covered in blood and making me very, very worried about his health, but I can't stop to ask him if he's okay because I'm too busy being very, very not okay, and I'm choking on sobs and I'm gasping for breath and I'm initiating Proper Breakdown #2™, but then Brice coos, "Shh, Seto, it's all right. Come on, let's sit down, okay?" and he pulls me over to the couch and sits me down on it while I continue to gasp into his shirt, and then he sighs sadly and finally hugs me back.