Briar Preparatory Academy

I Forgive You

This is all my fault. This is all my fault.

I hear Joe saying my name over and over again and he is kneeling down in front of me. All I hear is a whooshing sound in my ears and the pounding of my heart mixed with the voices of my classmates. The color red dominates my vision.

This is your fault. This is your fault.

I squeeze my eyes shut and try to focus on one thing, but nothing is coming clearly. When I close my eyes I see all the terrifying moments of the last four months, all the things I wish I could reverse.

"You terrify me. Because you're intelligent and strange and beautiful and you're something that not everyone knows how to love. And that's solely because you yourself love with every bone in your body. Not very many people are capable of that love. And I want to know how you do that." Joe's voice whispers.

"Only the strong make the world go 'round."

"Love gets you killed, Princess."

 "I'll find you! If it's the last thing I do, I swear to God I will kill you!"

"Not all the people in your life are meant to stay. Others will be with you forever... I'll be with you forever."

Tears continue to roll down my face as I remember what happened. I feel Joe's hands finally take hold of mine firmly and I look up to meet his frantic eyes. I can't make out the words he is saying to me.

This is all my fault. This is all my fault.

I feel one of his hands release mine and it touches my face gently; his thumb tracing my jawbone. I swallow and clear my ears and blink the rest of my tears out of my eyes. I catch on to his words. "Stop saying that. Stop saying this was you. It wasn't."

I shake my head. "What?"

Joe furrows his eyebrows. "That this is your fault. You've been saying it over and over again. It's not true."

"It is--" I begin, but he cuts me off.

"Jasper acted on his own accord, not yours. He was going to come here whether he got anything from you or not. He wanted to kill you to get under Lockharte's skin. It was all him and his own need for revenge."

"I still... couldn't... save anyone." I sob in between my words. He releases my other hand and it comes up to touch my face. Joe shakes his head and holds mine gently between his hands.

"You did more than you realize." He whispers. I process his words and fall quiet for a few seconds.

"I killed the only family you had." I say, suddenly feeling guilty. I see Joe is taken aback, but he looks down and drops his hands. His expression is blank.

"It had to be done," he says quietly, "I realized that a long time ago."

"Still, I'm sorry. I know that... I know that he loved you in his own way. Whether you realize it or not, he did." I say, wanting to reach out, to touch him. Joe doesn't notice, merely nods his head. He takes a deep breath in, stands, and offers me his hand. I take it and he hoists me up.

"He's still there," he says, "Jasper, I mean. The FBI left his body for examination."

This new information strikes interest in my head. I know exactly where Jasper lies dead, and something tells me to go to him.

"I want to see him. I want to see his body."

Joe furrows his eyebrows, shakes his head once. "I don't know if they'll let you--"

"I want to see him." I interrupt, and start to walk down the hallway before he can get another word in. I hear silence behind me, before footsteps as Joe begins to follow me. I think I hear him mutter something under his breath, but I don't dwell on the thought. I take a right turn down another hallway.