Purgatory (bxb)

Chapter 12

"So trusting, stop feeling sorry for me. Don't touch me, I'll never leave this place. I'll only let you down, I'm fucking sick, believe me."
---

It is pathetic when you can't even decide who you want to love.

It is pathetic to think you can even love anyone, let alone be soul mates.

Kyle shifts nervously in his seat, and I feel nothing but pity for a guy who cannot differentiate love from infatuation.

"I'm not your mate." I say, and I mean it.

I don't know what kind of humour their Moon Goddess is into, but it is ridiculous to wait your whole life to fall in love with your so-called fated one who is in reality nothing but a stranger you have yet to meet.

This "mate" theory sounds like one of the fairytales parents read to children, to keep their faith in love strong.

I don't doubt the truth of it, though. If they want to spend their life with someone they are forced to love, it's their choice.

I don't doubt it, yet I cannot accept this.

Kyle stills, hurt and shock swarming in his eyes as Aiden gasps at me in shock.

"You don't feel the connection, the sparks when you touch?" Aiden questions in confusion, and I shake my head.

"They mean nothing to me."

Kyle will move on, just like everyone else who still believes in the concept of love after countless heartbreaks.

"Find yourself another mate, because I want no part in this."

I say that, but I really not want a part in this?

It is tempting to just accept it as it is, knowing he will have no choice but to love me regardless of what I do, will not be able to stop loving me, but I do not want to be loved by someone who is not given a choice in this situation.

It is no different from not being loved at all, because what's the point of receiving affection when he doesn't appreciate me for who I am, cannot love me for who I am without some fated connection?

I didn't deserve the love of dad and Chris, wasn't worth their time enough for them to stay, and I surely am not worth Kyle's time and efforts.

"That's not how this works!" Aiden exclaims in frustration. "You're his only mate, Nick."

Aiden takes a deep breath, and his expression softens as he pulls me sideways into his arms.

"Please, Nick, at least give it a try? I promised we would never leave you."

"Yes, Nicholas. Your daddy would never leave you alone. I promise."

"I'll be here for you, Nick. I'm your older brother after all, and I'm not going anywhere. I promise."

Promises are nothing but false consolation, empty words that you turn to when you are expected to do something you simply cannot do, but are unable to refuse.

Promises are made to be broken.

"Please?"

Kyle finally speaks up, his voice pleading and I fight the urge to nod.

I cannot accept this, because even if he will grow to love me for the person I am beyond our connection, I will never be able to love, because I simply cannot believe in the impossible.

I cannot love, but Kyle can, and he will love me but I will not love him. All that will result from this is heartbreak on his side, and he doesn't deserve this.

He deserves to love someone who believes in the same kind of love he does, who will not leave him to be the only heartbroken one.

So I shake my head, against the voice in my head that tells me to give it a chance, to experience love again.

It seems that the naive me never truly died.

Kyle lets out a shaky sigh as Aiden casts his gaze down in disappointment. I remove myself from his embrace, and he lets me, still frozen in his shock. Kyle nods.

"I understand." He says softly.

Does he really understand? Does he know that I cannot love, that he will only end up wounded by the one he is fated to be with?

Does he understand that as much as I want to be with him, I already care for him too much for him to be hurt?
---

I turn my gaze from the cream-coloured walls of my room to the night sky outside the window that has no limit to how far it can stretch.

I wonder if Chris is disappointed in me, upset that I did not accept a chance at the love he had always dreamed about, had never stopped looking for.

I doubt he even bothers about me.

The rapping of knuckles against the door snaps me out of my thoughts, and I hesitate.

"Nick? Can I come in?"

No, because I can't keep this up any longer.

I walk over to the door anyway, and unlock it for Kyle to enter and he does.

We lock eyes for a moment, and I find myself once again lost in his gaze.

I look away.

"Where's Aiden?"

Kyle shrugs.

I enjoy the silence, I take comfort in it, but it is the opposite of comforting when I am not alone.

I take a seat on the foot of the bed and Kyle does the same, and I can tell he is trying hard to keep his distance.

I pray he isn't here to plead again, to offer up his love on a silver platter because I am reaching the limit of my rational thinking, and it is getting harder for me to resist.

"We can still be friends, right?"

He is desperate, and I cannot help but feel a pang of hurt.

Honestly, I don't even know if it is hurt I am feeling. It is a foreign concept that has been absent for as long as love has.

I don't want to stay near him any longer than I have to, I don't want to lead him on and give him false hope or promise him that I will not leave.

I nod anyway.

Kyle smiles as his eyes regain the slightest bit of their glow.

Kyle shifts again, as if my rejection earlier had stripped him of all the self-confidence he was oozing during our first meeting. He is contemplating if he should say the words he wants to, if it is an appropriate topic to discuss.

He doesn't have to, because I no longer feel pain. I have long since stopped taking offense from sensitive topics.

He eventually looks at me as he makes his decision.

"Can you tell me about Chris?"