Purgatory (bxb)

Chapter 1

"Take a look at me. From one side I seem to be so calm, so cool, collected, but on the other side I'm melting down."
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When you're going through the motions, every day is consistent, boring, unsurprising. Wake up at 6, get ready for school, go down to the kitchen to greet your family for breakfast.

In my case, I have only my mother to greet, and how long will that last?

Mom smiles at me from her seat at the table, her eyes weary, but hopeful. She has never stopped trying to love. Pathetic, but admirable.

Her bag is packed, ready for work. I am partial to the night because I am alone, yet partial to the morning because it is the only time of the day I see my mother. There is only so much time one can spend at the house with two jobs.

"Good morning, sweetie. Did you sleep well?"

No.

I nod, sending her a small smile as I sit down, my plate in front of me. I may not love, but I care for my mother in a way I will never be able to care for another. She is my pillar, my family, as I am hers. She understands me in a way only a mother can, two souls so wrecked by abandonment they only have each other to care for.

I start eating, and mom leaves for work. The house is silent as memories are reflected off the walls.
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When you're going through the motions, your body is on autopilot. Walk to school, go to class, take notes, and repeat until school ends. Every day is consistent, boring, and unsurprising.

"Nick!"

I'm not complaining, though. The less time I spend interacting with these hormonal immature teenagers, the happier I'll be. I don't have to worry much, for everyone avoids me anyway. Teenagers don't really like to be told how pathetic their feelings are. Who can blame them?

A hand lands on my shoulder and I jump.

"Nick Carter?"

Oh.

Someone is talking to me? But why?

I turn around with a frown.

"How do you know my name- oh."

I should be glad to see him, I should be smiling, laughing, I should be doing something. At least, that's what I should've done were I the same person from three months ago.

Bang.

Thump.

The sounds alternate repetitively like a heartbeat, occupying my mind when there is silence around me. A constant reminder of a lesson I had to learn the hard way.

Aiden Turner and Nick Carter were the dynamic duo, at least that's what my brother had said. It doesn't matter what he said, though. It's not like he ever meant it, anyway, just like he never meant the words "I love you".

Pathetic, indeed, when you're lying through your teeth moments before pulling the trigger at yourself.

You see, when you try to make a word to describe the impossible, its meaning is very easily lost in translation. The theory of love is sweet and cheesy, with the way it's overused you'd think people would know what the word means.

Apparently not, because you have people like my brother who insist they love you, but willingly abandon their family in a heartbeat.

I never understood why Aiden hung around me- he was popular, extremely so. With his flaming red hair and puppy dog eyes accompanying his outgoing personality, he could walk up to a group of strangers and be welcomed with open arms. Everybody knew Aiden Turner, but nobody knew me.

Nobody but Aiden.

He didn't care about the others, though. He always told me I was good enough company for him, and I believed him like the naive fool I was. Two years ago I believed it was us against the world. I had an awesome friend and an amazing brother, what could go wrong?

Turned out it was a lot of things, and everything that could go wrong, went wrong. Aiden left the country for family reasons, but that was okay because he promised he'd be back, and I still had Chris.

Chris, who would remind me every day that he would be here for me when nobody would bother. Chris, who held me at night when the nightmares wouldn't show any mercy, and stayed up with me so I didn't have to feel alone.

Chris, who shot himself in front of his brother, who left me nothing to look up to, nobody to hide behind.

"Nick! It's so good to finally see you again!" I say nothing as I am pulled into his arms. They were warm, I almost forgot what that felt like, to have someone to lean on.

"You have no idea how much I've missed you! I am so, so sorry I dropped my phone in the toilet bowl and it got ruined so I lost all my contacts so I haven't contacted you in a year- Nick? Are you okay?"

No.

But I don't say anything, don't do anything. Nick and Aiden, that was two years ago. Things are different now, so very different, and they would never be the same again.

"Nick?" He pulls away to look at me, and I manage a smile.

"I'm okay. Just a little tired."

He frowns at me for a while, as if trying to figure me out. He wouldn't, though. I don't even understand myself. He eventually nodded, the carefree grin back on his face as he pats me on the shoulder.

"Meet me after school at the park, we've got a lot to catch up on!"

The bell rings and he pulls me into another hug, making his way to his first class before I could refuse. One would think that he would at least walk me to class after two years, but that's the way Aiden is- he would give anything up if it meant he wouldn't be late to class. He once stole a bike to school because he'd overslept, ended up with a huge fine and his parents had to bail him out, but he'd do it again in a heartbeat. That's the way he's always been.

That's also why I don't want to "catch up" with him. He's still the same Aiden, but I can't say the same for myself.

How do you tell someone you're not the same person they used to know?