Self Loathing & Camomile Tea

Live Wire Drowning

People have asked me what my anxiety or depression feel like. The actual, physical sensations attached with what goes on in my mind. I know it isn't necessarily the same for everyone, and in a lot of ways the two conditions give completely contradictory reactions. One is of feeling down, trapped and stuck. The other is feeling as though you can't sit still.

They are both difficult to explain, but I will do my best. Again, from my experience, as it is the only point of view I dare speak from. This doesn't necessarily give an accurate picture to the conditions themselves, but is the best way I can relate them in words.

In terms of the depression, the feeling that is most accurately described in words would be drowning. I have no doubt it is one of, if not the, most common description associated with the condition. There are memes, other commentaries, and reports from sufferers, where 'drowning' is the descriptor. That would probably be because it is the most accurate.

For me, I felt as though I were at sea, completely alone, lost. Sitting on a raft, for instance, and everywhere I looked, I only saw water. I saw no land, no chance for safety, no way out of the tiny little box I may be sitting on. No matter the supports around me, the advice, the encouragement, it didn't seem to help me navigate the waters. I couldn't find land for months, maybe even a year. I still feel this way from time to time, although I can admit it isn't nearly as bad as it was.

It also felt weighted. When I wasn't 'at a loss', struggling to find a way to get my feet back on solid ground, I felt as though the weight of my depression was pushing me down. Like I was submerged, sinking deeper and deeper, and no matter how hard I struggled to stay afloat, get back on my little raft, or swim to the surface, it was useless. Something; my fears, my self loathing, my uncertainty just drug me down like concrete boots.

I feel the need to point out that this isn't how it is every single day. Some days I felt like I could glimpse land. I was on my raft all the time, but the waters weren't always so deep. Not always so insurmountable. I laughed with my friends, I went to dinner with my husband. I went to work, went to school, and tried to function normally. A lot of people will think 'well, she was out and laughing with her friends yesterday...how sad can she be?'

The answer? Very.

This relates back to the whole 'invisible' nature of mental illness and depression. If you could see the scars visibly on our skin, of each time our minds told us we were useless, helpless, and going to fail, I think you would be shocked. If our inner monologues showed up on our skin like the Umbridge's quill from Harry Potter, you would maybe even be ashamed to have ever considered our fight to be self imposed.

It is a shame that so many consider depression an easy fix, and that it is something words can change. That a simple flick of a switch or statement can erase the feeling.

'Just be happy'

'You're so fortunate'

'There are people worse off than you'.

Yes. I know all this. Yes, I know I should be happy. I have a home, my family, and a supportive husband. Yes, I know there are people worse off than me, who are abused and trapped and scared. I am fully aware of all this....but it doesn't matter to my mind. Because my mind doesn't care about anything other than tearing me down. So it does.

And so I drown...

The anxiety, on the other hand, is sort of opposite to the depression. I still feel trapped, stuck and afraid, but it isn't the sense of drowning. I do feel confined, almost as though I were in a little box, the walls closing in and making me want to run, but it isn't quite the same as feeling like I am surrounded by water.