Stars of Varda - An Elven Love Story (Thranduil)

42. The In-Between

I suddenly desire to draw him, and I wonder why I never have.

"I followed your orders. I stayed alive. Do you not remember? 'Twas one of the last things you spoke to me, that my death would kill you. So you must wake up now. I demand it..."

I hover over his face, waiting for him to wake at my command. And I realize he is no longer breathing.

The blood drains from me, leaving my body a hollow shell, and I have no feeling in my limbs as I check for his pulse, but his pulse is gone, like mine, for I have lost my heart. I am dead as well.

But if I were dead, I would be in the Halls of Mandos, not still in his chambers. I would be seeing Thranduil's spirit instead of his spiritless body.

I look down at my spiritless friend and know I am not in the Halls of Mandos, but trapped in a life without him. I gasp for breath, even while wondering if I could brave suffocation. Why did the Valar not claim me as well?

If only I were a mortal woman and could leave the world entirely. I have never felt the Eldar's curse stronger than now.

There is an unsettling voice grieving his passing, loud and pained, its words indiscernible. I turn around and there is no one there, only a dead fire in a dead room. The awful sound is coming from my own throat. I bury my face in my hands to make it stop. My eyes are dry; my body is numb. I am weaker than a newborn.

"Eru...Eru..." One word. One name. It is all I can utter.

I must find my father and deliver the terrible news, but I cannot move. The fatigue from the attempted healing left me without much strength, but now it has fled altogether with my grief. It was all for naught. It was all in vain.

I did not save him. Perhaps he did not wish to be saved.

Unable to keep my head up, I fall on his shoulder. My eyelids are like stone weights, and close against my will, and I sink into an abyss.

"Please come back..."

-----

I am walking in darkness.

In the distance there is a burning light. An orange flame. I feel its fervent heat, yet I continue to walk towards it as if it is my salvation and my doom.

I am in the dragon's belly. It has found me again.

The light grows brighter. I look down at my palms; I am still flesh and bone, my robes are silver. My body is my own. Intact and whole. Nothing about me has changed.

Now that the darkness is lifting, I take in my surroundings. The world is shadowed and fogged, but I see I am walking down a stone-columned hall. The ceiling is so high it cannot be viewed by natural eyes. I know there are other halls, and other people nearby, but their faces are hidden to me.

It is obvious where I am now. The Halls of Mandos. I must have fallen in battle.

Death has finally claimed me.

"Thranduil."

A voice. Hers. I have not heard it in three-thousand years, but it is not one I can forget. I turn to the left, the right, but there is no one. Only darkness and shadow and death. Where is she? I try to stop walking but I have no control.

Still I am heading to the orange flame. The dragon's mouth. The point of no return.

"I do not believe you, Adar. These are nothing but lies born from your hatred of the world. She was kindness and warmth and light and everything you can never be. If it is true she was unhappy, it was because of you. You did not even save her..."