Within Your Heart

2| martellato

a/n:

i'm sincerely sorry for the late update. my internet connection is - insert endless curses here - absolutely horrific. anyways, i'm really flattered that some of you noticed the story and gave it a read. it really made my day when i saw the comments. thank you so much. i hope this chapter doesn't disappoint. happy reading :)!

2

M A R T E L L A T O

[ notes are strongly accented and detached ]

It turns out almost impossible to think straight the next few days. It feels strange to walk through the school hallways and be back around with people. It feels as if I left my home bubble back at Mom's apartment. I can't help but swallow when people shoot me sympathetic stares or murmur incoherent words when I pass by them. I just raise a brow and purse my lips in a small smile, taking in a fresh breath of air to lift my hopes up before moving forward.

          This goes on for days and days before I'm energetically drained. When I go home, there's no one there, and it feels as if something is ripped away from me. Calling Bryan doesn't change a thing since he never picks up. I end up going to Mom's studio apartment and leaning my head against the wall and falling to the ground, crying myself and reminiscing in Mom's clothes.

          But I think it's okay to not feel okay. I'm starting to familiarize with the sadness that had found a home in my chest. I tell myself that when time goes on, the pain will be less, but I'm not sure if I believe in my own words.

          There's this thing about loss that is incredibly malicious. When you lose someone, it's easy at the beginning to adjust to the fact that they're simply not here. The downfall begins when you realize they're not coming back, ever. And then when you go back to living your life like you used to, it isn't the same.

          I stare at the sky too often when it snows from the window of the piano room, casting surreptitious glances at the room opposite me where I saw that boy playing. It somehow makes me smile that he can connect his soul with music at the worst of times, just like what I did, and somehow I start to calm down when I think of the music he was playing.

          And it isn't only that that calms me down. It's the moon that doesn't sleep at night. And, somehow, even though the nights seem like still waters and dark clouds, I still – even though very hardly – manage to dream of bright lights so that the days can go on. Everything goes on even if it's hard.

         But right now, everything – even happiness – feels like a chore. It's hard to give in to such a fact with everything crashing down and with feelings that never leave my chest. I find myself shaking and falling on the bed Mom and I used to sleep on now, clutching her clothes close to my heart and crying myself to sleep. I can only hope for it to become easier.

🎵 🎵 🎵

The next day, I'm hurrying out of Mom's apartment with a crunchy toast hanging between my teeth. I tie my shoelaces at the door before shutting it and slinging my backpack over my shoulder. There's a roaring voice that echoes in the sky, and I look up to see a plane launching into the sky. I find myself waving to the plane, lowering my hand and smiling sadly as I remember when Bryan left me after our parents' death. Sighing, I munch on my toast as I make my way to school, the sun trying to shine above me through the thick fog but failing.