Undead

35; distance

Akila
It was happening again: the darkness pooling around my ankles and seeping into my veins, constricting my heart; the self loathing, wishing I was dead along with my son; the suffering, the weakness in my bones, weighing me down like I weighed five thousand pounds. The shadows were overwhelming, but I welcomed them. I wanted the creatures that lived in them would consume me, completely obliterate my being so I could be free. Free from this pain and free from these damned scars.

It was hard to breathe in my fetal position I had been in for hours. I was soaking wet, my damp hair acting as a barricade from the world. The shower water had long gone cold after washing the sticky blood from my flesh, and I prayed that it would wash away these feelings. But there was no amount of hot water that would rid me of the dirt and grime that my heart contained.

I didn't know whose apartment this belonged to. Well, I did but I killed them a couple of hours ago so I could be alone; their bodies were discarded across the floor plan. Dismembered body parts were scattered here and there and more of their blood vandalized the place than I was able to feed on. I don't remember what I did to them or why, but I remember my mind clicking and seeing them all over the place - no pun intended.

My skin was pruned, and their blood was caught under my nails. It kinda looked like I had French tips, but with red nail polish. It was kinda interesting to look at.

Today was just a bad day overall. Days like today, days when I have time to just sit and think to myself, I fall into this pit of despair. The air gets thick around me, the ideas of suicide tugging at my heart - anything to be reunited with my son. Anything to finally look into those eyes I'll always remember. Anything to have his fingers between mine and to see that heart-warming smile. The few cries I was able to hear before his demise haunted my nightmares and my daydreams. It was a ringing, louder than any emergency vehicle siren. Louder than any screaming banshee. Louder than the sirens that lulled Odysseus and his men to their deaths.

I wanted it all back. If I had a chance to do it over, I would save him. I would do everything in my power to make sure he made it. If I knew what Nubia was at the time, I would make him take my place. Anything to keep my baby safe and protected.

It's a struggle every year when this day comes around. I relive the memories, relive the physical pain of childbirth - the emotional torture upon hearing my child stopped breathing. No mother wants to ever hear that. But I did get a chance to hear him cry, briefly, and that's better than nothing, right?

Aside from that, hearing that Iris was leaving made things worse. He never knew of my pregnancy to begin with, but he knew something was up every year on this day. My most prized memories were on the anniversary: his touch was feather-like, his words and voice so fluid and luring, his eyes were the deepest with the most warmth I'd ever seen. It's like he knew, but he didn't know. He never forced me to express why I was the way I was and I appreciated that. If anything, it only made me fall that much harder for him. Nothing was ever forced between us. Perhaps that's how we survived ten years together.

Iris didn't understand, and I wasn't sure he ever would. I still loved him deeply. Yes I understand he cheated, and anybody in my situation would tell him to rot in hell, but I no longer felt that way. I killed him, yes, but that was the initial sting. Now that I've had time to think and consider what happened, I felt differently. I know he didn't want to sleep with Seiko and vice versa - at least I hoped she didn't want to sleep with him. Her side of the story was still sketchy to me.

Hearing him own up to what he did and the things he does, it put things into perspective for me. The timing could have been better but I understood he had to finally change for the better. This was for him and I was okay with that.