Keep A Secret

Chapter#01 (31/05/2016)

31/05/2016, Tuesday.

Dear ME,

I start working 1 week ago. I am enjoying this work. It's a part time teaching job. I like it when I give my knowledge to them and they gives me satisfactory result I feel like I am successful to convey my knowledge to others. I like it when they ask questions, shows interests in the class (some teachers says don't give the opportunity to kids to ask questions but for me if student doesn't ask questions its means they are not understanding what I am teaching, if they are asking questions It shows that theirs minds are processing on my lecture, so I push my students to ask questions).

It's a wonderful feelings. But I am not doing it as a profession. Just to feel the moment to convey your knowledge to others. I wanted to feel this. And I think it's an amazing satisfactory feelings. I think I will do teaching as a part time work (always). I think I can take break from it in future after doing this for my heart content. Then after break I think I will continue teaching BUT only as a part time (just to make me some happy satisfactory feelings, am I selfish? Thinking this way.)

Last night I didn't get sleep. It doesn't mean I didn't want to its just I was feeling uncomfortable. Like there was something wrong and my instincts, my mind even my heart wasn't letting me sleep it was continue working on something which I am not aware of. So I just stay in bed then I start moving around in my room at last at sun rise I make breakfast. I am not good cook but when I am so much stressed or feeling somehow sad or anything cooking is the last option to let it out from my system. So I cook breakfast and give it to my father even though he had breakfast early. But he still ate it because I made it. I don't cook so he just ate it. I still don't know why I was uncomfortable last night but there was something happing out there. (Maybe my soul mate wasn't feeling well, by the way I don't know who he is and where he is. But I think soul mates exists, this might be the reason)

I have notes to make for my class, also 2 students come to get tuition. Yeah lots of teaching happening in my life. These are the only part time jobs I could get right now, I can also get job I restaurants or café. But I am not interested. It's just not profitable in my favor not one bit. They are giving good pay but I wanted a work which could help in my studies somehow so this job is also helping me in my university studies. After doing this job, I mean getting experience for 1 year at least. I will become good in every software which is using in my field so it is good. And better thing is it is also helping me in my phobia.

Yes! I have Social Anxiety disorder (Social anxiety disorder, also called social phobia, is an anxiety disorder in which a person has an excessive and unreasonable fear of social situations. Anxiety (intense nervousness) and self-consciousness arise from a fear of being closely watched, judged, and criticized by others.). No one knows how much life become difficult for them who have any kind of phobia and for social phobia people. It is really hard. You can't talk with anyone, you can't go outside your room. It's basically a fear of people. For 3-4 years I start having symptoms but I didn't know what was wrong but day by day situations start getting worse. And after 3 years I realize I have no one around me. No friend left (even my childhood friends), no family, no relative, no one. Then I stop attending university classes. I was scared to face my class mates even they were good but I was scared. Whenever I enter in the class my heart beating fast, I start sweating so in my mind I start counting to concentrate on that. That's works sometimes and sometimes I make excuses to go outside class. University classes are huge. So many people in one room. Whoa. Then one time when I was talking with my professor I start crying and shivering suddenly because I was trying to explain something to her about some problem in my project, I guess. But I wasn't finding any word in my mind and my lips were stuttering, tears start dropping that was the moment my heart broke down. And I think what a pathetic person I have become. Then I stop attending university bunking classes. Not giving an chance to my professor to talk to me or any other class mate because I was a mess. And I was the girl who always believe that if you are perfect (believe who you are) you can do your best. I was so confuse what was happening. I was scared why I am becoming like this I used to happy girl who made other laugh and making new friends. I mean lots of friends. Then another thing I realize I stop using cell phone 3year ago and stop using social network too just to avoid people who want to ask where I am? Why I am not in university. This was simple question but I was scared really scared. Can anyone understand this feeling? My heart says no one. No one can understand. After this, I start reading stories on wattpad. Start making my imaginary world in my own fantasy or reading what other writers writes in their fantasies. I start enjoying because in story you can become happy. You can turn your life where ever you want and you can become whoever you want to become. I stop sleeping. Just reading and reading. Then I realize I didn't go university for months and I didn't attend my exam. I was standing at the entrance of exam room and I was feeling so much scared, my tears start dropping I was feeling if I enter in this room people will stare and says something bad or don't know what will happen. Thank god room's door was close but I didn't attend my exam. Well after my second semester I attend university in 3rd semester to think that now I will do my best but I do the same in this semester. I even stop looking up from the ground. No confident left.

Before starting this job. I think 2weeks ago. I go to a doctor. Just to do check up. When I start explaining my situation how I am feeling and I have no I mean 0% confident left. And I think if I don't consult with anyone this can ruin my life. So the first think he do he first listen and then write the note on the paper to the best psychiatric. He says you need to contact with this person. he is best in this field. And you really need it and also medication of this. This has become serious problem if you don't do this now it can turn in to something else to I mean worst you don't want to know. I was shocked. so shocked. I didn't tell anyone. I knew no one will believe me or you can say I didn't have believe on someone who could help me out in this. But first thing come how I will afford this doctor. I needed money. I was expecting my parents to give me money for this. They would have told me to do work and use your own money. So after few days making my mind, I take my c.v and go to the nearest Art institute. And I was lucky that they take my interview then call me next day again to check how I could teach. Then next day I start working. (It's been 1 week now working there)

1 week. Was happy but on my first day it was so difficult to talk. I was sweating, shivering but I was holding myself. I didn't want to lose this opportunity. And when there was one group who had many students. I was literally stuttering. It was embarrassing but I ignore it and keep my lessons. After one week I am settling down but situation is same with me. It's sometimes hard to make words come out of your mouth, even you have words in your mind but it's difficult to say it out load because there is people there. I am doing my best but I feel I am not. (I know it's one of the symptoms of the phobia). I am hoping now to do my best. And curing myself. But I will contact with the doctor if get the pay. My pay is not much I am hoping the doctor fees please be little low. I can't afford much. I literally don't have money not even penny. Why don't I have money? Because my parents always gave money when I needed it. Like? Spending money on my studies, on my transportation to my university or to my work or buying notes for my university. I am not saying I hate my parents, it's just we are different 'TOTALLY' so I never had money for my hobbies so I start saving money to buy my sketch books or like...to buy my favorite t-shirt which my parents thought I shouldn't waste money on. So I sometimes didn't eat lunch or come home by walk even it takes 20-40min walk or using cheap transportation to save money. That's how I bought my favorite things. So I never had the chance to have money to save for any emergency. Oh yeah now I have no money. Well. Thank god, I have now job so I have to wait for whole month to get my first salary. It will not be enough but I don't want to spend but I need to here. But I am having another thinking to delay doctor appointment. I don't know what to think.

I don't have money yet but I have start thinking what I will do with my first salary. To be honest I don't want to spend it on anything I want to save it and save it for months then I want to buy DSLR. Because in my next semester I have photography credit so I will be needing that camera and I don't want to ask for my parents for the money. It will be stress full to ask. But if I don't save the money and go for doctor appointment and one time if I attend he will give me monthly or maybe weekly appointment or consults like that kind of stuff so I am thinking every month my salary will be waste in that (it will not waste, I mean. But what I will get after that? In the end I will be needing money then I will ask my parents and then I will become depressed they will taunt me 24hr about the money that this is waste and all that. So I want to do this just to avoid my parent's comments. Literally it's hurt. Well let's forget it). You know what this is another sign of my phobia getting depressed before that thing happen.

I think I should.....I don't know.

Well. Till next time.

Regards,

Myself