Keep A Secret

Chapter#07 Scared Of Unknown

20/May/2021 (Thursday)

i used to feel coward when i needed to accept my weaknesses so i neglected them or imagine that they weren't there. people around me tends to express that if i am not perfect if i am full of weaknesses they will not accept or laugh at me but they still laugh at the end of the day, always. In the past i didn't notice this i did things which i didn't like to do but i did them for people to see that i am perfect. i say things to make others happy even though i knew i don't think their perspective is right. In my heart, i am free spirit person. a full of smile and kindness filled in my soul but i was afraid to express that truly in-front of others. i was just neglecting and hurting my true soul. i spend years to learned this lesson, sometimes i regret that why i didn't understand more this in my teen age duration then i will be able to achieve my goals more early and sometimes i envy others who accept early their self and get help from their loved ones in accepting their true essence. in present these all doesn't matter, what matter is what is in-front of me and what lesson i have learnt.

so in my past what i did basically was neglected my self and ignored my weaknesses. lost my self. the times comes i didn't know what i am doing , for whom i am doing because i was all alone. what did i do wrong. i was doing everything what others wants to see and listen. i was hurting more perfect word "killing" myself. i was continually feeling guilty for myself and feeling more guilty when people left me, i though i made mistakes and i wasn't perfect. more doubts appeared in my mind. i was lost. 

After going through all these things, at the end i realized everything which could consider good thing but now i don't know how to step forward and not be scared of unknown. i don't know if i will fail or pass. i am scared. If i work so hard and everything turned into nothing. so scared of even holding a pen so again old habits i am starting to avoid this problem, neglecting my weakness even though facing it, is the right thing to do. i want to do right thing. i am scared if i neglected more then time will pass and then i will be devastated then there will be no time to come around because life doesn't stop for anyone. my age will pass and the opportunity will also pass with time. i will regret after decades that why i didn't try and it was ok to fail because then i will be more relaxed that i did hard work and that thing or that opportunity wasn't for me but i will not regret of doing hard work. 

Now i want to work hard. i will work hard. i will start to learn one things at one time. I will not regret of my hard work. thank you myself for realizing i hope i keep this positive thought in my mind and keep fighting negativity of my mind and surrounding.