Teach Me How To Feel

Ch.6

    I looked in the mirror, it was the day of the 8th anniversary of his death

I was 19, but I was so different from the 12 year old girl who sat in front of a television sobbing all those hundreds of days ago

My hair was chopped into a more practical pixie cut and I felt around where my ponytail used to be

A few dots of silver decorated my face in the form of piercings, one for my left brow, and stud in the side of my nostril,

I looked deep at my reflection and part of me hopes that if I closed my eyes, I'd open them and 8 years would've never happened

But it wasn't because it hurt
You seem to forget dearies I can't do that

I wanted to feel something

But all I could muster was a sore emptiness

Speaking of sore I remembered what I came in for and bandaged a few scratches on my neck

You can guess from where (or rather from who) I got those from

I rolled my eyes

My brother's hygiene is atrocious, so these would most likely get infected no matter what I did

I heard the front door open
"I'm off to work love"

He said with a chuckle

And the door just as quickly slammed shut

That day was startlingly normal

How can the day you lost everything someday become just any other day again?

How long does everything have to go wrong before you give up and just say

"I'm used to it"

Well this day was like that
And I hated it

I needed something to happen
Anything

I'm used to being empty but not today

I want to hurt

If not emotionally than physically

That afternoon, the most normal afternoon I've had in a long time, I scraped together a dinner out of what I could find in our house

Most of our money however went to gambling and booze so there wasn't much

"What do you mean this is it?" Marcus said with a scowl looking down at the turkey sandwich on a paper plate I'd handed him

"You are such a fat pig Sophia"
He said with another deeper scowl

Of course it didn't matter that I hadn't eaten much in at least two days to prevent problem like this

So I slapped him

Stupid right?

How could someone as smart as I am make such a dumb mistake

Well my friends, it was no mistake, I assure you the whole thing was very calculated

I wanted to hurt for just a while

Maybe then when I looked in the mirror if see a real person again... I'd recognise my own reflection

I'm a stranger to myself at this point... I'm not sure if it's discomfort or anger or even just boredom... But I want something to change

'Anything'

I thought to myself
Boy was I wrong, I really should've been more specific

His hand wrapped around my throat and I chocked by the ground in a half seated half laying type position

To my surprise he was done quickly and just seemed to leave

I was barely conscious and too dizzy to move

"I really wanted to spare you, take care of you and treat you right, after all you are my sister... But every time I look at you all I see is our bitch mother"

"I'm... I'm not your sister-" I groaned

"-just a half sister" I added meekly

"Oh honey that's nowhere near true, let me tell you a little story-"
He said
And that's where I found out

Found out that my father was never my real father

Our mother was pregnant with me when she left her family in the middle of the night, for a wealthier man

If what he said was right she didn't hesitate to let this new man think he fathered the baby, and start a new life never looking back
I had trouble believing that the mother I had, kind smart and reasonable as she was, was a whore

But deep down I knew he was being honest... My awful brother is a lot of things, but a liar is not one of them

And I found it easy to hate her after that, maybe not as much as Marcus seems to

But damn

She really was a bitch wasn't she?

"I wanted to take away everything she had" he said after the story came to an end

"Her new hubby, her new kid... Her own life"

That's the moment it came together for me

I was right

None of them killed themselves

It was him

A nauseous feeling rose in my throat

He's... A killer?

I can't imagine killing anyone

But if he had to, just kill her, her family was innocent

"Anyway let's cut to the chase-"
Marcus said interrupt my thoughts

"-You're gonna have to die now too, you're self destructive and borderline suicidal, I doubt you'll stop me, right hon?"

The truth is he had me pegged

Nothing has any meaning, I can't even bring myself to care weather I live or die

Isn't that a terrifying thought?

No really

Tell me

... Because I wouldn't know