Petrichor

Part 4 - 21.36pm

Every day it gets harder.

Every day it's like a nightmare progressing on.

Every day is another prayer echoing from my bones asking God to take me now.

Every day I close up more.

Every day it gets more impossible.

Every day I feel myself die some more.

Every day I lay on my bed wondering how I'll leave this hell.

I've never felt so much pain, and as I came to be 14- I never would have conjectured it. Wondering whether or not I should kill everyone around be or kill myself, seemed normal for any divergent teenager. I never felt like anything was wrong. Until I become conscious that other teenagers were out having endless fits of laughter and having the happiest years of their lives. Whereas I, I would stay inside and feel lonely. I'd wake up too early and go to sleep too late. I felt imprisoned in a city I loathed, and I was persistently waiting for the better years to come.

But they never did, they deteriorated and rapidly they did so. Becoming a teenager and revealing who you are is tough enough, without everyone criticizing you for it. Bullies are scared of what you have, and what you do. However, I never had anything- or did anything. I was never something. Never enough.

I remember once a student in a year above asked me if I was okay. And I said Im fine. In reality I wanted to say

No. Every second is a second of losing grip. Do you know what its like to burst into tears at any moment? To be surrounded by people and still feel so alone? To cry and scream when no one can hear you, to grip tightly onto your stomach and feel the pain take over? To have to count reasons to live, just so you dont give in. Do you know what it feels like to be unsure and insecure all the time? To feel as though the one you love will give up on you just as easily as you've given up on yourself? To feel as though no one or anything can make you feel better? Not anymore. To constantly battle yourself? To agonize in emotions, that choke your better thoughts? To look down at your arm every day and see scars that forever will be there; scars that forever urge for more? To be out of control of your feelings and thoughts? To fear that you will end up dancing with death because the pain got so bad. To hear over and over again that things will get better, when really youve been hearing that your entire life? Tell me, if you were me would you be okay?

Happiness is a fragile thing. To drop it is too lose a life. Your life. The person you were before.