Letters To You

5.0

Dear Park Seung Ah,

This is already the fifth letter and my heart still tingles at your name. Park Seung Ah. Park Seung Ah. Park Seung Ah. I'm trying to overuse that feeling in my heart so eventually, the feeling will no longer exist.

We were in the practice room today, the hip hop unit hyungs and I. We were practicing together while the other units did their own things. The practice room reminded me of a scene years ago. Two years, to be exact. It was the night I practiced my raps alone, while staring at the mirror, wondering what you were turning me into.

I was a mess because I couldn't understand if it was me you liked or Joshua. You showed a lot of different signs, pointing at two different people all at once. I wasn't sure, and I was stressed. So I came to Pledis Entertainment to channel it out. That was through raps.

I got so surprised to see you walk into the practice room. You were the reason why I was rapping in the practice room alone, then you appeared out of nowhere? I was being cold to you, that you obviously knew, but what surprised me was you making me a cup of coffee.

I stay away from coffee now because of you. They remind me of you too much and I don't want to be reminded so I just drink other drinks. The hyungs often ask why, because after that night two years ago, I drank more coffee and they assumed I really liked it. Now that I don't drink it, they assume things such as me turning back into a kid.

That night was the same night you got nearly got in trouble with a drunk dude that was older than us probably four or five years. We know who is now, but back then, he was no more than a stranger that meant trouble.

When he approached you, there was this sense inside me telling me to rescue you now. I felt mad that he targeted you and wanted to probably do something to you, so I ended up kicking him to the curb. Without another word, I only had one intention and that was to save you.

So we ran down the streets and I wasn't sure whether that man was chasing us or not, but I made sure we ran as far away as possible. You were trembling and I felt bad, at the same time, relieved that you were safe. I praised myself for keeping an eye on you, even if you said that you didn't need me to walk you back home. Of course, that was only heard in my head.

I piggy back you back to the dorm instead of the your staff house. Ga Eul noona was the first to see us, then followed up with other members. It was a blurry memory to see who else came out then, but there's one person I'll always remember coming out.

Joshua hyung.

He took care of you. He aided you. He helped you. He loved you. He did everything I wanted to do better than I'll ever do. I don't know whether to apologize to you for not being able to do all those things I should've done when your heart still beat for me. But I'll do it anyway.

Seung Ah, I'm really sorry. I mean it. And even if you don't receive this letter, I hope you'll forgive me. For loving you. For loving you so much I only hurt myself in the end. I'm stupid. I'll keep saying that as long as I still love you.

I'm your stupid Vernon, Seung Ah. The one you used to love. The one that still loves you, up til this day. I won't tell anyone that, though. They'll only shake their head at me because we both know you only love Joshua hyung.

~Author's Notes~

Oooh, it's a longer chapter :)

xoxo

Byun Sang Kyung