The Fault In Our Minds

Fault 8

Josh stays with me late. Mom came in every time it was too silent. She'd always been surprised when we'd be doing two different things. She eventually stopping coming in. I was too busy trying to upload the video. I was working on making our faces blurry. I wanted this to be known to the world but not at the cost of ruining one's reputation.
"What you smiling about over there?" Josh asks and throws an eraser at me.
"I finally uploaded Ash's fault. My first upload."
"What about mine? You're skeptical on it." It sounded like a question.
"Very." Josh packs up his stuff. I escort Josh out the door onto the porch.
"I never got to check you for any new cuts."
I give him a push. "Oh please you won't won't find anything but something old" I tell him for a reassurance and he gets in his car. Mom comes outside.
She asks, "Are you two dating?"
"No. We're friends but it almost seems forbidden."
"All good things seem to be forbidden. It only matters if it's worth it the suffering that comes with it."
Mother gives pretty good advice. I tell her good night as Deren comes out. "Oh and I know about parents teacher conference. We're going."

I try to miss school the next day. I just didn't want to be there. Mom doesn't let that ride and drags me out the bed. Why can't she just be a mom and let me have a day off? I decide to walk to school. It's not a long walk if I walk fast. I make it just in time for U.S. Mr. Issac yells at me for being a delinquent listening to music so loud. That makes the rest of the class talk. It didn't bother me. Not even a bit.
Josh didn't show up. He didn't look all too well last night. Must be the chicken tenders. I despised English class. It was boring and I just couldn't stand it. Especially now that we're writing an essay. I hate essays but I like to write.
    I make plans to go to the library but I run into Ash on the way. She invites me to join lunch with her. Or she drags me to lunch. I sit with a group I called 'friends.' They're talking and I'm just hoping for this period to end.
"Ryan do you mind if I tell them about The Fault In Our Minds project?" I nod at her question. "Great!" And Ash explains to them about the project.
"So you're trying to play therapist again? That's how you got thrown in a straight jacket" one of them says. It's Stacey. The one who can't keep a promise. Who he left me immediately?
Ash cleats her throat directly at Stacey. "That's the thing Ryan isn't playing therapist. She listen to your faults. Ask you some questions. And bow. It's up to you to decide what you do with it."
"Exactly" I comment. "I don't care if you cut yourself afterwards or anything of the sorts. It's all up to you."
    I don't plan to stick around but I don't head for the library. I sit around in a park then I wait for my bus. I think I'm going to be utterly bored today. Stacey sits next to me. "What are you doing?"
"Free country I can take any bus I want."
"I don't care just don't sit next to me. I hope you aren't doing this because of the project."
"I need a job" she explains.
"It's not a job for you. You're the one who gets interviewed; not asking the questions. And you don't get any money out of it. Go away for God's sake."

Ash is right. If you break someone else's heart you break your heart too. I felt the pain of my words. Stacey was displeased with the answer; but maybe she didn't want the job out of money. But a new hobby. I rub off the idea. She's a bitch. I won't even dream of working with her.
    At home I find myself alone and panicking. It was a sudden panic attack and after it left like a tsunami I feel guilty. Guilty for acting so heartless towards Stacey. Guilty for so much more. Being emotionless comes with a flu. A flu called guilt. This guilt won't last long; because it's eventually becomes hate and thing that becomes hate becomes pity. It seems like there's a whole in my heart that eats away the remaining bits. That's just what it feels like to. I'm crying so uncontrollably and I can't breathe. My heart just might be working so hard it'll burst. In space our bodies fall apart because they don't have to work so hard to keep things together. I'm still on earth but this room is space; I can never keep it together up here.

People are home. I can hear indistinct voices. Must be mom and Deren. But no there's someone else. Someone who just makes it their business to come after me at the most necessary part. Josh picks me up bridal style and sits on the bed. He leaves a sloppy kiss on my cheek. I suck it up because that's the most human interaction I'll get. "Tell me about the day I missed."
     Sounds like an typical couple thing. If only we was typical people without so many faults. I don't see any point in hiding anything when I'll probably tell him later. It's hard not to talk about these things? Our friendship lies with plants, chicken tenders and my mild depression. We're hanging out in the dark because of me. Josh could be with someone else partying yet he's eating cake at this pity party.
     I don't see this friendship working out. He's people person to the fullest. No one is going to want to tag along with the likes of me. Not if they hate themselves that much.
"Ash likes you but I'm not sure if I'd trust that. Knowing how faulty she can get."
I punch him and snicker. "You can't make fun of her faults."
"You're the one laughing" he responds. "I'm mean seriously a compulsive liar. That innocent thing is sinster."
"You aren't innocent either. If you two stayed together you would have been a power couple of evil forces."
    I get up and bring the laptop to the bed. I had debated on going back to see the views the video got; but there's no other excuse accept laziness. I'm surprised with the amount of views.
"Why are so many people watching it?"
Josh answers, "Because it's actually good unlike trash you see today."
    I strolled through commsnts. I didn't expect anyone else to relate. Or anyone else to ask to be next. I don't know how to handle this. This is very unexpected and sudden.
"Why as you so flabbergasted?"
"Because Josh this isn't the reality I expected out of this. So many people from different states and counties." I stroll down and find more similar comments.
"The biggest question is are you going to them and how?"