The Fault In Our Minds

Fault 5

I was so excited for Friday. I checked out each and everyone one of the bands Josh suggested me. I loved them from their very first album to their current one. I could relate with many of them on so many levels. I couldn't fathom and I couldn't remember the last time I related to something so immensely.
     On Thursday our teacher told us to met at the park Friday morning. The park wasn't too big or small. A couple of trees. There was a maze and a golf field. I wanted to go to the maze which is over the garden wall. I didn't care about the project I needed to go the maze.

I stood around with the members of the Warsaw Pact. Josh was chewing down his breakfast. Everyone was here besides our teacher himself. He showed up a few minutes after our group debated on cheating.
"Okay, okay I'm here. Start finding those arms. I want them to be special no plain rocks accepted. Think back to earth science if you must but absolutely no plain rocks will be acceptable," he says while panting.
    Instantly I make my way to the maze. I'm sure there's some rocks there. I ran through the maze like some child. I am a child at heart who wanted attention. I sat on a small bench in the garden. It's so nice here. I don't care if we fail.
"Having fun my darling?"
Darling.
I grinned at Josh. He hopped over the wall onto his feet. "What are you doing? You're supposed to be going through the maze."
"Scold me for it" he teases. I came here to mutilate my stomach and now he's here. Josh held out his hand. I dropped the blade in the palm of it. He mumbles idiot as he launches it far away. "Come on let's get back to the others."
"I can't I want to mutilate myself."
   Josh covered my eyes and pulled me back against his chest. His kindness is becoming annoying at a time like this. Loneliness was a friend I wanted to tackle alone.
"Can't you leave me alone" I say.
"So you can mutilate yourself. Never in my life time will I leave you alone if I know your dangerous intentions."
I focused on that if.
"What if I don't have any dangerous intentions?"
He answered, "I will still never leave you."
    Assassinate me he's too nice. Too kind. This isn't the Josh from before; he's changed so much. Just who exactly is he and what are we. Josh removed his hand from my eyes. I didn't understand why he did it but I didn't questions it either.
     I got up to look for some rocks. I wanted to at least help out. We left the maze and traveled through the rest of the park; and stumbled upon a garden. Nothing was going to grow since November weather was hitting hard. We picked up the rocks. They're small but they're pretty. We carried hand fills of them back. Our teacher would most likely yell at us but I had already stopped caring as I normally do.
"Where did you two run off?" He asked as soon as we was in distance. He dropped the rocks in the pile our team already collected. The other team didn't have many rocks. I can't believe we did the arms race and used rocks as arms.
   We won but lost points for running off without telling anyone. I don't understand how we could not it was the perfect opportunity. It's a park for crying out loud.

Back at school my ears banged to the sounds of someone screaming in my ear. At first listening to metal made my ears burn and ring but now it's almost soothing. Soothing that I enjoy them to scream the lyrics. The lyrics meant so much to me. So much I couldn't fathom why I didn't stumble upon this genre sooner.
   I sat in the library with Josh. He was trying to convince me not to go work. I had to. Not because it's my responsibility but I wanted to save up money. I wanted to learn how to adult more not that it mattered because I'd probably die before I graduate. Maybe that'll change.
   Josh walked me to the comic book shop. He also loitered inside for a few minutes before actually buying something which was just a pack of stickers that he gave to me. It was cute but I didn't want to admit it.

When I was closing up Josh approached me with two of his friends and Dunkin Donuts. I didn't question it. We was going bowling. With his friends. I hated the idea but didn't disagree. Originally Josh got Dunkin Donuts for himself but ended up giving it to me.
   I gave him the cold treatment but to my advance it made it seem like I was just being awkward. I wanted to punch him in the balls for bringing other people involved. This was by the furthest intolerable.
    I didn't ask for introduction once in the bowling center. I couldn't care who they was or what their names might be. I just want chicken tenders out of all of it. I put my shoes on.
"Hey Ryan why aren't you even bothering socializing?"
I stepped on Josh's shoe. "Why did you invite me if you invited them? Is this a prank?"
Josh pulled my nose. "You gotta make new friends. I'm just trying to start you off," he says.
"Don't start me off. I don't want friends. Especially not that dumb looking red head or that blond."
I didn't even need to be upset but nothing could stop me from being upset. I got a strike on my first turn. I don't have any right to be angry. I don't want to be angry.
"Want some chicken tenders?" Josh asked.
"What about your friends?"
"Oh please they'll be fine. I want to treat you to as many as chicken tenders as your stomach desires" he says and tickles my stomach. I giggle and Josh lifts me up. I only order two orders of chicken fingers. Josh dipped one of them in sweet and sour sauce.
"How long are you going to stay mad? Or or are you jealous I invite other people around."
I ate my chicken tenders in silence. I wouldn't answer any of those. I was jealous. And how long I would plan to stay mad would and always be undetermined. I'm so immature it's ridiculous. I won the game. That didn't matter. Everyone else was having fun and I was being miserable. I probably ruined the time they could have been having.
I naturally suck.
Josh dropped me off last. His friends suggested to hang out more but drop me off. I hoped he would but he disagrees.
"If the princess isn't having fun we all go home" he says and they look at me.      It was embarrassing. The nickname not them looking at me. Embarrassing but made me feel all I don't know weird.
    He hadn't dropped me off at my block. Two blocks away he did. We sat in a parking lot in silence. I had developing cramps and mutilation ideas. His hand wrapped in mine.
"What are you doing?"
"No mutilating yourself. Absolutely not one cut."
"Let go of me and don't tell me what to do."
He rolled his eyes. "Well fine I won't bring you home."
"It's kidnapping" I protest. I tugged my hand away but to me prevail he wouldn't let go."
"It's disgusting. I don't care how much suffering you're in stop doing it."
I fold one hand and say, "Fine."
    I'm thankful for him being so concerned. Maybe I'll make that a promise. He walked me up to my porch. I quickly hugged him and turned back to go inside. Josh grabbed my wrist pulled me into a better hug.   I was embarrassed I had to stand on my tippy toes to meet his height. Josh bent his knees and picked me up. He sat on the bench.
"I have a curfew?" I said as a question. I wasn't even sure but it was late. I could make up a curfew. I doubt it's believable and didn't even try to budge.
"Want to buy some plants Saturday or Sunday?"
"Um sure."
Josh pulled me back to his chest. My skin burns more and more. I rub my face. I trust him because he's not some pervert.
"Why do you mutilate yourself?"
I answer,"Because my life is shit and it's not worth living. Tired of breathing. That's why I'm really doing the Fault In Our Minds. It's nice to think about other people's problems instead of thinking of my own. It's how I'd like to die."
His head rested on my back. "Stop-"
   And before he could say anymore the front door opened. Mom and some stranger walked in kissing. They noticed us and stopped. She looked around and blushed. I pulled Josh past them inside.
"I'm so uncomfortable" he says.
"You and me both."
   I changed while Josh looked away. His most noticeable feature was sitting with his legs crossed. I found it adorable how he managed to do it any where and everywhere. It's his cutest aspect.
"Are you tired?" I ask.
"Exhausted. I'm not even sure why." Josh picked up a heart shaped jewelry box; that was mostly metal. I rushed over to him but he already looked inside.
"Stop looking through my stuff."
"Why do you need so many? Anxiety? Mom? What the fuck Ryan?" I closed it up.
"Stop touching things you'll regret looking at. I don't want to talk about it either."
    It must disappoint him that I spend so much time labeling the blade I use to cut myself. It disappoints me. But everything does. I'm always disappointed and miserable with life of course it was always like this even before I got sent away. I had always been disappointed in life now I'm just miserable. That extra step that ties everything together.
    Josh rested his hand on my thigh. Openly I walk around showing my thighs. It must be torturous but they have to suffer with me. He didn't say anything but kept his hand on my thigh. This would have been more awkward if I didn't have scars on my thighs.
"I'll see you later" he says. I walk him down to the front door. Mon and the stranger were on the couch. I'm still very uncomfortable. I closed the front door and locked it.
"Hey sweety. This is Deren."
"Hey" he says in a unidentified tone but it appeared more nervous. His eyes caught glimpse of my thighs. He dug in his pocket and pulled out a suicide hot line card. I rolled my eyes and ripped it up.
"Thanks but no thanks. I won't ever be calling you dad if it comes down to it."
   I began to walk upstairs as mom was apologize for my rudeness. Not that it was necessary I was just explaining my full on honesty. I don't care to met new people if my death is near.