COURTING DEATH

Chapter 15 part 2

I look back. They are leaning over their report together, their heads almost touching. "He's not the type to care about her. He's not the type to care about anyone. I know he'll try to take advantage of her in some way. After that, he'll probably grow bored and dump her."

"Why do you care if they stay together?"

"I don't. In fact, it would be better if she didn't date him. But if he mistreats her, it could ruin whatever faith she has in love."

"What?" Kyoko sounds shocked.

My head snaps around. Kyoko is frowning, but her eyes look hurt. I realize what I've just said and what it must have sounded like and my thoughts flounder looking for an explanation that doesn't involve shinigamis. There's no way I can tell her the truth. "It's... Um..."

The corners of Kyoko's mouth draw in and start to tip downwards.

"...just what Shimura-san said."

"Tomo-chan?"

"You know, that disa-whatever trauma syndrome?"

Kyoko's frown turns to puzzlement.

"She thought someone must have really hurt Shizuku-san which is why she is the way she is. If Kurosawa were to hurt her again, just as things start to go back to normal for her, well, she might never recover from something like that."

Kyoko examines me with a bewildered expression, then stares down at her desk, hiding her eyes. "You've been thinking about her a lot, haven't you?"

"Yeah — No! At least, no more than anyone else."

Kyoko doesn't say anything for a long moment. I watch her and I want to say something reassuring, but can't come up with anything.

"Do you like her?"

My heart flips over. The question almost feels like a punch. How could she ask...how could she even think... "W-w-what? Like her...?" My words stutter and clog in my brain. The idea of liking a shinigami is absurd.

But, then Shizuku-san isn't quite what I thought she was. She is—or at least was—a real person with a real past dealing with real problems which I can't even imagine. I mean she did die already. Who knows why or what horror could have hurt her so badly that she would block all memory of it—of even being human.

"There's no way..." I pause. I want to say Of course I don't like her, but I'm afraid that I'll somehow get it wrong, that I'll blurt out something I don't mean and upset Kyoko even more. My heart pounds in panic at my tongue's betrayal. There's no way I could like her. Kyoko is the one I like. The words are so simple. Why can't I say them? I've already started digging my grave. Perhaps I should stop before I make it worse.

I close my eyes, trying to organize my scatter thoughts. The memory of Shizuku's cute smile flashes past, scattering them again.

She looks like...she is a real girl. Perhaps she is only now becoming what she once was... It's not like I hate her...

"Baka!" I smile and laugh to let her know I'm joking when I say stupid. "Why would you ask something like that?"

Kyoko's eyes are large and questioning. She opens her mouth to speak, then stops and looks down with a small smile tinged with something that looks like embarrassment. "No. Of course not."

* * *

Class continues on normally and I keep my eyes to myself. At the end of the day, Kyoko packs up her things, preparing to go to clubs. "Are you going to yearbook?" Fortunately, neither of us are on duty today, so we don't have to stay and clean.

"There's really not much point in my going." I try not to sound like I'm bitter but, honestly, I would just sit around being bored while she and the third-year editor discussed themes and colors and layouts.

"OK then. I guess I'll see you tomorrow." She snaps a quick glance toward Shizuku and looks away just as quickly. I pretend not to notice and look around the half empty desks to see if Kurosawa is still here.

"Yeah." I zip up my bag. I feel her hand on mine. Surprised at her touch, I look into wide eyes that seem to say, I can trust you, right?

I try to give her a reassuring smile. "See you tomorrow."

I wait until she leaves the room and no is near Shizuku before walking over. I want to know what she thinks about Kurosawa and how she truly feels. What is she expecting from this relationship? Will she be disappointed? Hurt? Where does this leave our agreement? "Shizuku-san, would you come outside with me? I'd like to ask you something."

Shizuku's eyes send a surprised tremor through me. Until now, looking into them was like staring into a lifeless camera lens or the glass eyes taxidermists put into the stuffed animals you find in natural history museums. But her simple, open, questioning look sends a jolt of surprise through me, like when you turn around to find yourself standing face to face with someone who had been standing only inches behind you. I'm suddenly very aware of the presence of another person.

"I'm sorry. I promised to go somewhere with Kurosawa-san."

"Eh?"

"Are you ready?" Kurosawa calls out from the classroom doorway. "I took care of things with the senpai so we can go."

"Go where?" I ask reflexively.

Kurosawa gives me a crooked smile as Shizuku joins him. "That's really not any of your business, isn't it?"