Life Is About More Than Just Surviving {Bellarke}

Life is about more than just surviving

Bellamy pov:

Now I've lost her forever. I can't believe that I let her go to the City of Light, although we know so well that ALIE is unpredictable. I can't believe that I let her go, although I've gotten her back only a few weeks ago after she had left me. Clarke has hurt me so much by leaving me and I can't really understand how I could be able to forgive her already. Well, that's not the thruth, actually. I know why I have forgiven her. I need her. Only she can turn me back from this monster which I was when I was with Pike, to the man I've always wanted to be. Not only has she made me forgive her but also has she made me forgive myself. Now she's lying in my arms, unconscious, because her mind is in the City of Light, trying to save our friends and family. I've begged her not to go, told her that we should find another way to shut the City of Light down, but of course she hasn't listened to me. And I've let her go, because I truly love her and I would have hurt her if I didn't let her try to save our friends. I'm so afraid that she is gone; seeing her like that, barely breathing and not even slightly moving, almost breaks me. And there's nothing I can do to save her, she needs to come back to me by herself.

Although I try to avoid it, I start crying. Again. I have been crying a lot lately. When I compare the Bellamy I was when we landed on the earth, that emotionless and ruthless asshole who cared about no one except Octavia and later on maybe Clarke, with the Bellamy I am now, who would do anything for his friends even if some actions are horrible and unforgivable, I find it hard to spot even a tiny bit of the old me in the new me. I guess, time and tragedies, tragedies which are my fault, have forced me to change. If Clarke doesn't survive, then I'm alone on this earth. Octavia and I have started talking again, but still, our relationship will forever be damaged. If Clarke dies, I most likely won't survive either. She is the reason I'm still alive and I can't lose her.

While tears are running down my cheeks and I'm lost in thoughts, I barely notice that Clarke moves her fingers. Suddenly, I'm all awake and then I straighten myself, trying to be as gentle as I can because Clarke is still in my arms. I gently stroke her hair out of her face and that's exactly the moment she becomes conscious. I'm crying even harder now because I'm so happy. She is breathing heavily and when she opens her eyes, she totally freaks out. She cries and it seems like she searches a monster only she can see. "Hey, you're back.", I try to calm her. "Where am I?", she screams in panic, "where a-" "shhhhh.". I'm unable to say something because I don't know how to react. She has always been the one to calm others, including me. I stroke her arm trying to show her that she is safe now. It finally seems that she realizes that she's back now. Safe. At least for the moment. In this world, you are never safe for a long time. You're on the brink of death most of the time. But right now, I'm just so glad that she is alive that I forget all my worries for a moment. I hold her tight and grab her hand and slightly squeeze it. Clarke breathes slower now and then she looks me in the eyes which makes me shiver. "Bell...", the way she says my name makes me cry even more. She almost had to die, for me to realize how much I love her. And to realize that this love isn't platonic. It was at first, but then, it changed. And I need to tell her right now, before it's too late. That probably won't change her feelings towards me but I just need her to know that there will always be somebody who truly loves her; especially after Lexa died. We have never spoken about her and Lexa but I know how much Lexa meant to her and that she loved her.

"Clarke, you did it. I knew you would.", I say with a little smile on my face. "Bellamy, oh god, I thought I've lost you for good.". She is still holding my hand and then, suddenly, I blurt out: "I love you, Clarke Griffin, Princess, my beloved Wanheda. I always did, I'm sorry that it took me so long to realize it. And I just want you to know that there will always be someone who truly loves you. Me.". Her mien softens and I see a single tear rolling down her face. Then, rather unexpected, she kisses me on the cheek. I knew that I couldn't expect her to be in love with me right away but there was this tiny spark of hope that I couldn't extinguish though. I can't help but be a little disappointed and I hate myself for it. "What's the thing with you kissing me on the cheek?", I ask her while I'm trying to smile but I'm pretty sure that this smile looks fake.

"Bell... I can't. Every single person I'm in a relationship with gets hurt. And I love you too much to let anybody hurt you.". Clarke worries so much about everyone around her that she forgets that she deserves to be happy. More than anyone. "Clarke, I rather get hurt than never being able to be with you. That would hurt more than any physical pain could. And I'm willing to wait for you if you see a chance that you will want me too, some day." I've never been more honest to somebody concerning my feelings and I'm proud that I've opened up to her.

"I already do, Bellamy. I want you too but I can't let anybody else die because of me.". I have never seen her so desperate before, although we've been through many hopeless situations. A great many. "I don't care. The only thing I care about is you.", I say to her and then I do the bravest thing I've ever done in my life: I lean in and I kiss her. Not on her forehead, not on her cheek but on her lips. I can sense that her lips are so soft although I'm barely touching them. I hold my breath out of fear that I might have gone to far but eventually, after a few more endless-seeming seconds, she kisses me back and I'm the happiest man on earth. I break the kiss and whisper: "I love you so much." and after that she smiles and whispers "I love you, too.". And in this moment, my life is about more than just surviving.

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AN: I really hope you enjoyed this oneshot. I would love to hear your opinions on it, as this is what keeps me motivated. Do you want me to write another oneshot?