Raindrops

April 27th 2016

Well I've been keeping a diary almost 10 years ... actually it'll be exactly 10 years on my birthday which is in 2 days. However I have never publicised my diary it's always been hidden from the world. I don't know if it's a good idea to publish my thoughts and feelings like this but maybe , just maybe it can help someone. After all we are all humans struggling with the same crap and if I could read about it maybe I would spare myself a lot of trouble.  Then again I doubt anyone will ever read this but still maybe I will use my own experiences someday.

So right now my head is full of worry and doubt. Both college and love life are giving me a hard time. Well first of all having anxiety makes me procrastinate like crazy. All my assignments have piled up on me even though I tried so hard not to let that happen this year ... I failed again. And now I have 3 assignments due tomorrow yet I'm here writing this.  I hate myself. On top of that my heart is playing games with me again. So the story goes ... For the past month I've been seeing this guy ( names will be changed) and I was happy with the relationship. Josh treats me well and he's a sweethearts also we have so much in common. But last Friday I went to my best friends house party. And her brother who also happens to be my crush ( we will call him Mat) of 9 years was there too. And then things got mad. We were all drinking ( as you do being a legal adult) and my crushes mate ( Rob) found out I had a crush on Mat. So he decided to act upon it and proceeded to lock us in Mats room. So first Mat was mad about the situation he said he doesn't like when people do stupid shit like this but then he calmed down. So I sat on the bed while he was seated on the chair and we talked. I don't exactly remember how but somehow he ended up siting on the edge of the bed next to me and I found myself telling him that I had feelings for him all this time. And I swear it was the hardest sentence I have ever spoken. For a second he looked at me and didn't say a word but then a lot of words flew out of his mouth and from what I understood he claimed he wasn't good enough for me or any girl he told me he was weird and messed up. And he was repeatedly saying "I don't know , I don't know "  So I tried to comfort him. So I told him to stop saying this because that's stupid because I think he's amazing and that's when he quickly turned and leaned in as if he was going to kiss me and I swear out lips brushed ever so slightly. But as quickly as he leaned in he also pushed away and lied down on his bed. That's when they opened the door. So I asked him if I should leave and his response was "no stay and lie down with me"  so that's what I did. At this point the thought of my boyfriend was long gone. And I am a terrible person for this. And I probably do not deserve any of them.  Still the hart wants what it wants. I left the room after a while and so did he. He was still playful with me for the rest of the night and even in the morning. And I think something about our relationship changed. I just hope it's for the better. Then the next day Rob messaged me saying he needed to talk to me. And he told me he is going to try to talk to Mat about me and he'll try to get us together. But now I have a lot of confusion in my head. What about my boyfriend? I don't want to be unfair and I found that since the party he's been irritating me more and more I find myself picking fights with him.  Maybe on the attempt to push him away so I don't have to break up with him. I have a history of doing that. I tend to push people away cause I'd rather be broken up with than beak up with someone. I am a mess I know. So yeah that situation along with college and procrastination are giving me a hard time. I try to still have hope that it'll all work out fine after all. I suppose that is what life is.  A rollercoaster that you can't get off of. You just have to hold on tight and enjoy the ride no matter how crazy it may be.   

   ~WolfGirl~