Just A Little Bit Thinner (Trigger Warning)

Chapter 3: As the rain comes falling down

4th year:
Things are really bad at the moment...
I haven't been well at all. Mentally that is.
I'm self harming so much. This time with a razor. You know the leg ones not a razor for your sharpener. I have tried but I can't get the blade out of the sharpener. But recently the self harming has stopped working for me and I'm feeling really bad and nothing is helping. I've attempted suicide 5 times and I'm getting help. But it just isn't working for me. I hate feeling like this. I know I caused my mum so much pain but that is what's causing my pain. I'm never going to get away from this at all. I'm so annoyed at myself. I swear. So its January 1st: New Years Day and I'm stuck in my Granny's house. It was Granada's anniversary Maas today so we all have to go to her house.
Everyone else is happy interacting with each other whilst I'm sitting here in my uncles room crying and trying to cut myself with a fucking butter knife. I just had tea (dinner) and I honestly feel the urge to throw it up. I wish I could but I don't want people to hear me and I don't know how to purge. The internet says that I have bulimia but I swear I don't. I just don't want to feel guilty and disgusting about having food in my stomach so I want it out. I've lost quite a lot of weight and I weigh myself three or four times a day. Even though I sound like I have an eating disorder I am pretty sure its just hormones or something and it will pass. Its been going on since December the 3rd. I decided to start losing weight. I felt fat and disgusting and ugly and unattractive so I decided that I was going to lose weight. Well that worked (sarcasm you eejit). I haven't lost that much weight actually. I've only lost a few pounds but its still a lot in a month's space. But I still really want to lose more. I'm sick and tired of feeling like this. I don't want to. I know its bad. However I feel I can't stop. Its like its consuming me in every single way it can. I want to get just a little bit thinner.

A/N: Hi guys! I know that you probably aren't gonna read this book in the making at all but I just wanted to say thank you to those of you who do read it. I'm sorry this chapter was so short but I couldn't really think of anything to write about other than the start of the eating disorder. It was a tough time I know. Still not fully away but I've learned to cope with it. This chapter was very hard for me to write as this was the point in my life where everything started to suck and be crap. So... On a final note: I may not be uploading in a while because of exams. I don't know why I'm telling you this because nobody reads my books anyway so like what's the point cuz everyone hates me lmao! I'm such a sucker!
Thank you again to anyone who actually reads this book.
If you ever need to talk about anything shitty going on in your young beautiful lives being darkened by depression, lies and betrayal, feel free to talk to me on this.

Thank you and love you xx