Just A Little Bit Thinner (Trigger Warning)

Chapter 2: Here comes the sadness

I am getting bullied every day now. It used to just be silly name calling but now its becoming physical. They push me into the walls. They push me into the windows. They even push me into other people! I'm sick of it. The other day, they threw a piece of really sharp ruler at my back. I turned round and scowled. That was a really bad thing to do. At the end of class boy did I pay for it.
The bell rang. As usual, the teacher told us to pack up. I am always the slowest. Which isn't great.

As well as the teachers having a go at me, the boys always wait until I am nearly done. They stand up to leave and that is when my eyes close shut. As they approach closer towards me, when the teacher isn't looking obviously, they slap me at full force on the back. I have got multiple bruises from them. But, not only them. But now is not the time to go into that. I am talking about the bullies right now.

It's like the teachers are completely oblivious to the hurtful shots that are pulled on me. Or on anyone else for that matter. But I know I can't let them get to me. I've only got a 3 more months until I'm off for summer anyway.

I'm not going anywhere special I'm just going to Donegal with me, my family, my dog and my wetsuit. I hope the sea isn't too rough though.
Last year, I went out body boarding in Co. Clare, the waves broke my board. I got this huge bruise because as my board broke it went up with the waves and it whacked me full strength below my rips. It hurt so much. I swam back with my board attached to my wrist screaming and crying. The next day I was walking to get dinner in sandals and I stepped on an aluminium can. My foot bled so badly and I had to be taken to hospital and get stitches and a tetanus shot. It practically ruined my holiday. I came back home with stitches and a bruised tummy. All I can say is I hope its not that bad this time.

Now thinking of what happened then, its kinda relatable to what's happening now. The words don't hurt me but the blows to my body do. What did I ever do to them? Its not like I can tell either. They won't stop and it would just keep getting worse and worse. They said so themselves.
I remember I was sitting class and they threw a note at me. I'm not going to repeat it because I don't want to shame them but it was something along the lines of eating too much and dying by choice. I put my hand up to show the note to the teacher but the boy behind me, who was one of 'them', said "tell anyone and you will pay for your life to be saved". At first I thought he meant pray considering his horrible lack of speaking the English language correctly but then he did the money thing with his hands.
The teacher asked me what was wrong and I had to tell her that I was stuck on question 6 or something. I scumbled the note up again and stuck it down the back of the radiator. Out of sight, out of mind.

But it still gets to me. I remember there words and I feel scared. I feel trapped. Along with all the other stuff as well. Like feeling like I'm a boy instead of a girl. Like having a crush on my best friend. Like wanting to talk but not being able to. The only thing I can do is write.

I like writing. I think I want to be that when I'm older. Mummy says that I can do anything I want if I just believe! So maybe that means I can stop the bullying and all these feelings inside of me if I try hard enough. Maybe if I try to act like a girl and dress like a girl I will eventually feel like a girl. Its worth a shot. I'll put on make-up. I'll wear dresses. I'll grow my hair long. I'll style my hair. Maybe I will one day feel like a girl. Just maybe one day. I just have to never give up.

I'm starting to feel really lethargic and tired like I don't have any energy. I don't want to do things I enjoy anymore. Like I used to love drawing but now I find myself lying in bed thinking of random stuff and that pain in my chest that's me heart breaking. I don't understand. What is this? Why is this happening to me? I'm so confused. Maybe its what me best friend has. She says what makes her feel better is when she cuts. Maybe I should try that too.

I just need to find something sharp. Oh I know! The kitchen! No that's too obvious. What about my maths kit? Yes! That's a brilliant idea. I could use the end of my ruler triangle thing because its broken. I don't want mummy finding out. I guess I'll just have to start wearing long sleeves from now on eh? I really hope it makes me feel good. Like Cara said it would.

Oh yeah her name is Cara. Cara O'Neill. Her brother is called Daniel and he's so annoying. Ugly too haha! No that's mean. He's good looking but personality overtakes looks and I hate his personality. He's so mean when I am over at her house. Honestly! He even barges into her room when we are talking about private stuff and then starts singing horribly. He is tonedeaf I can tell yah.

Right. Tonight. April 14th 2012 I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna self harm for the fist time. I just need something to numb the pain. Since its not physical its not like paracetamol or Calpol will help me. Only this.