Just A Little Bit Thinner (Trigger Warning)

Chapter 1: Where it starts

1st year:
I don't really see the big deal about eating disorders. Why would someone want to put themselves through that much pain just to live up to society's perception of beauty and thin. My mummy says I'm perfect just the way I am. But I'm scared. I don't want to tell her. In case she freaks out. Although I feel as if I am keeping a huge secret. I always talk to her about everything! When I was getting bullied I told my mummy and she sorted it out. But this seems different. I don't think I can talk to her about it. I-I mean its not like I don't want to, its just like there is a wall blocking any words to come out. When mummy asks me if anything was bothering me I just really want to say it. But something is stopping me. I don't know what's wrong with me. Why do I feel like this? I mean before I had my period I thought that I was a boy. I didn't know there was any difference. I knew about male and female. I knew about boy and girl. But it just never really occurred to me that I was actually a girl. When I was younger, mummy always used to buy me pink things and Barbie's and make me play with my cousins who were only interested in playing fairy princesses and putting on our mummy's make up. I'm not and never was into that sort of stuff. She always used to sit me with the girls and make me play with them. She still does. I say I'm too old to play and that I'm a big girl now and I can play with the toys I want and wear the clothes I want. Somehow my mum doesn't agree with me. She says 'not until you're 18 and out of this house with a job!'. That really upsets me. I don't like dressing like a girl. Its just not me. I must be what people call a tomboy. That must be the answer. Any time we are in a clothes shop like Marksies or Dunnes I always run to the boys section. Mummy pulls me away though. She says 'you're a girl and girls don't wear boy's clothes'. Then she takes my hand and drags me to the dresses and girly pink stuff. This has been happening since I was 4. I never quite understood though. Now I do. But for some strange reason I don't feel comfortable in girls clothes. See, the other week. I was in Marksies and mummy told me I had to get a proper padded bra. Eww I hate that word. It makes me giggle and squirm. I protested. I told her that I didn't see why I had to wear a bra at all. I didn't get very far to be honest. She again dragged me by the hand and before I knew it my mum had picked one out for me. This girl had to measure me and I had to take my top off. Then she gave me this letter and number I think it was 32 A. I didn't know what it meant but I realise now that that is what they are measured in. All the girls in my class are so excited for when they get their first bra. As well as the boys. They want to pull the wee back thing and hurt peoples backs. I've seen them do it to older girls too. So immature. I want my boobs to stay like this and not get any bigger. I don't know why but I just don't want them to. They are fine the way they are. Ughh just everything is so confusing!

Anyway enough about me and more onto my thoughts on eating disorders and self harm and depression. I found out about eating disorders when my mum had to go to work at night so I stayed up all night watching this documentary about people with eating disorders. I watched it unintentionally. You see, the thing is, I was watching a movie and I fell asleep near the end of it. Then when I woke up it was about 00:30. There was this thing about what society thought about eating disorders and what caused them. Some of the things people said were pretty ignorant. Mummy uses that word when she is fighting with daddy all the time. However, my thoughts on eating disorders are completely different. I can see why they want to become thin and stuff because of celebrities and stuff but I just don't see why they would be prepared to ruin their body and their life for their own happiness. A lot of people say it doesn't make you happy. But some say it does. But depression, on the other hand, I learned about from my best friend. She was depressed and told me how it felt. She said she did this thing where she gets a sharpener and takes the screw out and then swipes the blade across her skin to make it bleed. She says its called self harm. She also told me it makes her feel good. That it takes away her pain. I don't get it though. Why would you want to make yourself bleed. But if it makes you feel better then why not? Its a really confusing thing. I never want to become depressed or have an eating disorder never ever ever!!!!

A/N: Hi. Thank you if you made it through to here. Its still early days suppose and I promise I will try to update as much as I can. I also just wanted to tell you that if you need to talk about problems I'm here to help so message me on this if you want.
PS: I'd it doesn't say second year I'm still on first year you dimwit!
Byzeeeeeeees love you all so much!