I Am Schizophrenic

Chapter Eighteen

  I looked at the ground in shame, “I’m sorry.”

  “You’re never gonna change, are you? You risk yourself as if you’re a piece of trash. You push your loved ones away, you’re selfish, Christina!” He was cross, he despised me.

  I started crying, not knowing what to say, “but I love you, and you’re here now..”

  “I won’t stay, Christina.” He bitterly said. “someone else should be here to take you instead.”

  “Who..?” I bet he would answer saying my family should come and take me. Like everyone else.

  “Derrick.”

  It was surprising, Derrick? How would he mention him when he apparently knows that Derrick has feelings for me—and Jake loves me and we’re supposedly lovers. How come he didn’t feel jealous?

  “Seriously?” I was at a loss.

  “Yes, you should call him now and let him take you home. Enough with what you’re done, enough.”

  “But you’re here now, I don’t need him!” I reasoned.

  “I’m leaving, I won’t stay here to view how you ruin your life more!” he yelled at me. He paused, then put his hands on my shoulders and tenderly said “listen, Tina. If you really love me and want me to be content, call Derrick and let him take you out of here. Go back, they love you, Christina—they really do. Fix yourself, go back to the hospital or to a different, better one and get better. I really want you to be okay and healthy, I know I’m the most person you love and I’m asking you now, can you do this for me, Christina?”

  I was lost for words, cried even harder now. I was scared, ashamed and selfish. Jake was my favorite person and I was his, he loved me the most and I never wanted to let him down, so all I said was, “yes, I can.”

  He smiled in contention then hugged me so hard and long.

  “I will always be watching over you. I love you.” He whispered in my ear.

  “I love you too.” I said with a broken voice.

  He left.

  I stood there frustrated, my mind was frostbitten. I was between whether to call Derrick and tell him where I was to satisfy Jake or not to—but my unconditional love for Jake drove me to calling Derrick.

                

  I called Derrick and he sounded dumbstruck to hear my voice—he was relieved, happy and confused. He was contradicting himself; whether to be mad at me or be happy that I called—and all that was shown from his voice. I told him where I was and he told me to stay at a hotel or something until he came to pick me up. I kind of felt bad because he was going to come to get me, the trip by train is really long and it could take up to 4 days and very expensive by plane. I offered that I would return instead but he refused. I had no other choice but to stay at some motel waiting for Derrick to arrive and I texted him the address.

                                    *                          *                        *                            *

It took him shorter than I expected to arrive, the second I read his text “Arrived. Will be at the motel in minutes.”, I started panicking. I even thought of escaping—but Jake. If I escaped again, he would be seriously disappointed at me. And Derrick, he came all the way here for me and I couldn’t just turn him down. The last time I saw Derrick was months ago, when I was staying at his apartment in Virginia. And more precisely, the last time I saw him was the night when he confessed his love for me—when I panicked. I wondered if he had told Eliza that I called him, I even wondered if she came with him to New York; a lot of questions were in my head—but I was interrupted by the door-knock.

  I jumped out of my chair, then attentively walked towards the door. My heart was beating in fright so much but I had to open the door for him, I had to remember not to let Jake down. And I opened the door.

  He stood there, looking himself except that he grew some facial hair that made him look more attractive and manly.

  He looked at me dreamily saying “Christina,” he paused “your hair is awful.”

  I laughed—I actually laughed so loud, as a way of relieving all the stress I felt. He hugged me so tightly and I hugged him back, he stroked my hair tenderly then kissed my forehead. He looked at me in a reassured yet hurt way and said;

  “You are an idiot.”

  “Derrick.” Was all I said then I continued hugging him. I was relieved too, I finally found someone I know after being treated horribly and feeling alone during this period.

  He entered and we sat at a small wooden table. We were speechless for some moments then he broke the ice.

  “Have you got no idea how I was feeling when you weren’t there?”

  “No.” I said shyly.

  “Have you got any idea how I searched for you that I almost assumed that you’re dead?”

  “No..”

  “Have you got any idea—..”

  I interrupted him saying, “Derrick, please enough.”

  He sighed. “I was dead worried about you.” He blamed me.

  “And I’m sorry!”

  “Something bad could’ve happened to you here as you’re young and reckless!” he yelled at me.

  “I got raped, Derrick, happy now!?” I screamed back, bursting into tears.

  I whimpered so hard, he got out of his chair, sat on his knees and quickly took me in his arms. I felt safer.

  “Shh, calm down.” He whispered in my ear as he stroke my hair again.

  I pulled back, cleared my tears and asked him, “What will you do with me now?

  “I’ll do whatever you want, Tina. I’m not an idiot to lose you again.”

  I silenced for a minute, remembering what Jake wanted. “I know what I want—I want to go back and get better. Go back to the hospital—but a different one! I want to be normal again.”

  He had the biggest grin on his face, I’ve never seen him so happy before; he took my hand and said, “And I’ll absolutely do that.”

  I wasn’t really happy about that, but for once I needed to stop being selfish as Jake said. He said that those people loved me and I decided to give them a chance and see if they really love me or not, I also needed to take a break from the voices in my head and the nightmares too. I wanted to see Eliza, I missed my younger brother, Harry and I missed California. I also wanted to go back and prove to everyone that Jake is real, and as soon as I finish my medication, I’d prove to them that I could still see him. However, a part of my feared that they might be right, but I instantly rejected any thought of them being right about Jake. I could feel it that he’s real. It was love which made me so sure. Love is real, and if Jake’s isn’t, then love isn’t real.

  Derrick and I made our way to the train station, getting ready to go back to California. I knew the end was quite soon.