Savior

The Boy Who Doesn't Answer

It was the morning after Louis had gotten drunk and gave me my first black eye that he bought me a book about space in lieu of an apology.

He didn't say much, didn't apologize or even look at the purple swelling surrounding my eye. No, he just placed the book into my hands like everything before it could be forgotten. As if it was the most generous thing he's ever done.

It probably was.

But, I know that the book –like so many others he had bought for me- something to keep me preoccupied in the home he made into a prison.

But, it was in this book that I learned about the Planetary Nebulae.

This phenomenon is a ring-shaped nebula formed by an expanding shell of gas around an aging star. It's filled with gas and dust particles and is a beautiful halo of light remaining in memoriam of the star long after it is gone.

A ghost of the planet once occupied there. A shell of the self it once was.

Beautiful, but hollow.

For a long time I imagined myself as this sad event -this tragically beautiful shell of something once great. Something once strong and bright and powerfully magnetic turned into nothing but a mere imitation of itself.

But, since I met Harry, I feel the pieces of me snapping back together -stronger and more resolute than ever. A new star –not the same great ball of energy and light like before- but, a growing star, resilient and slowly gaining more light beginning to form from the graveyard of its exploded pieces.

Reborn.

There are still holes -gaps that were punched through by Louis' fist and can never be filled despite the numerous kisses and gentle words Harry tries to fill them with.

But, I don't need to be whole to be happy.

And I am happy. Genuinely happy. But, with this happiness comes a deep-rooted fear. Because nothing can stay good for long and it surely won't with my luck.

And for the past few days all I've been able to think about is that toad. That stupid meaningless toad that makes my stomach churn every time I pass by my mantle. Makes my head cloud with thoughts of Him and make my heart thunder with fear.

Makes me really doubt that I had forgotten I placed it on the table.

Makes me way more paranoid than I'd like to admit.

All I really want to do is toss it into the trash, but it was a gift and I am stronger than that and I know that all of my fear and suspicion is all in my head.

The heavy cloud of doubt is always hanging above my head, but I just need to learn how to control it.

I need to allow myself to be reborn and I can't do that if I am afraid of a toad that is supposed to bring me luck.

"Excuse me," An old woman's voice has me startling slightly to see her standing on the other side of the counter, pinched look on her worn face, "Could you possibly stop daydreaming and do your job by taking my order?"

My face heats up instantly as I stutter out an apology, heart racing in my chest. I bite my tongue from snapping at the stranger, my hands shaking as I fumble to turn on the register's screen.

I don't even get a chance to take the order, though, as I see Eliza's dark hair pop up behind the counter she was stocking as she turns to face the woman.

"Excuse you," She snaps, arms crossed, and I already know she is going to cause a scene, "I don't know who gave you the right to talk to people that way, but I don't tolerate that attitude in my shop. We don't serve stuck-up, rude, bitter old women."

I bury my face in my hand so no one sees me trying to bite back laughter and I only hear the woman scoff and say something about never coming back again before hearing her heels tapping on the hardwood.

"Oh, boo-hoo, my business will fail without you. How will I ever survive without your 2% tips? Don't let the door hit you on your way out!"

The bell jingles and I know the lady has left but I can't possibly look up from my hand with my amused grin and red face. I don't know whether to be appalled or amused.

Both, probably.

I glance up, shoulders shaking, to see Eliza's face pinched together in annoyance. If there is one thing she cannot tolerate, its people who are rude for no good reason, especially when they are rude to me.