Savior

The Boy and His Sheets

I'm a ticking time bomb.

I'm fine, I've been fine for a while now. I get better every day; the memories don't come as often, I hardly dream anymore, I don't flinch when I'm touched and my hands don't shake from raised voices or loud noises.

But, catch me at the wrong time; at a time when I am looking out that kitchen window and watching a couple screaming at each other with their baby crying in a stroller, wondering if that could've been my life, wondering if it would've been.

Grasping my shoulder, surprising me, at a time where all I see is Him and the stairs and all that blood....

Tick tick tick...

Boom.

"I-I'm sorry, I'm so s-sorry about the plate... I-I'll, I'll buy you a new one, a better one. I just - I'm so sorry."

I can't stop apologizing about the plate, the words just seem to tumble out of my mouth uncontrollably like I'm a broken record and I may not be a record but I am broken.

And Harry just leads my trembling body over to the bed and I sit but I feel really sick to my stomach and I can't figure out why.

Everything was going so well. Everything has been going so well for weeks now. Harry is so patient and gentle with me and I am so lucky. And his mother is so kind and warm and I've probably freaked her out now.

"Stop apologizing Layla it was just a plate. Calm down."

And I realize that it really was just a plate to Harry, but it was more to Him. To Louis it was more, to Louis the sound of glass shattering meant that I was a fuck up, that I was going to have to walk in those broken pieces or get slapped around to prove my worth.

It's just a plate it's just a plate it's just a plate.

It's just Harry.

It's not Him. It's not Louis.

"You're okay. You're okay." He's rubbing my shoulders now, tucking my hair behind my ears, holding my quivering hands steady.

My anchor in the rocky waves that are my life.

I take a deep breath, pushing the memories from my head, pushing out the bad thoughts. The screaming, the pain, the blood, His face red with rage...

I replace those thoughts.

Harry's gentle coos in my ears, his fingers dancing over my arms and leaving goosebumps in their wake, the pools of emerald green that appraise me softly –with love- his face warm and inviting and safe.

Safe.

The word echoes around my brain until I let the calmness it exudes seep into my veins and settle into my bones.

"I'm sorry."

But, I'm not apologizing for the plate this time, I'm apologizing for his mother I must have scared, for him for causing so much trouble, for myself for being like this.

But, Harry just shakes his head, a careful smile on his lips.

"You don't have to apologize anymore."

The gentle tone, the warm eyes, the ever-present touch... My heart swells in my chest, so much so, that I am afraid it might burst.

It's been a long time since I've felt this way –since I felt anything much besides fear and anxiety.

Even with Louis, before all the bad stuff happened, I never really felt this safe, this calm. Like I could spend hours with someone just sitting and talking and doing nothing and my heart would still yearn, still ache for them.

With Louis I was constantly trying to impress, trying to seem older than I was, trying to make him like me so he wouldn't abandon me.

I depended on him like he was the air in my lungs, but he was quick to choke me till I turned blue.