Savior

The Boy On My Mind

Wake up at 7. Get ready. Work at 8. Wipe down chalkboard. Smile. Change coffee filters. Check inventory. Smile. Fill out specials. Serve customers. Chat with Eliza. Smile. Home at 6. Eat whatever is in the fridge. Watch Netflix before bed.

Repeat.

My life in the last two months had become a routine. A routine that most people would find meticulous and boring, but for me, was a godsend. I had never been able to do anything for myself before. He had made sure that He had complete control over every aspect of my life. So, I never got to do much.

But, to be able to have a routine that centers around myself is something that I never thought possible. I had honestly never been happier to have a mundane life that left me distracted and free.

Until now.

It's been a full week since the incident at the bar. A full week of me cowering at any touch or loud noise much worse than I had in the last few weeks. A full week of nightmares and flashbacks that left me a trembling and sweating mess. A full week of me avoiding Harry at all costs. A full week of him treating me as if I am made of glass.

And I'm beginning to think that I am.

It was only until I had begun to live without Harry's ramblings and tentative smile that I realized just to what extent he had dug himself into my life without me even realizing it.

When I first moved to Cheshire I was adamant on not getting close to anybody, in fear that they would ask too many questions or that I would have to move abruptly if He ever found me.

But, somehow along the way, that gawky and curly-headed man had forced himself into my life. My tragic life that he had somehow managed to make light... to make better. It was with him that I felt the safest... Not completely... But, almost normal.

And because of this, I believed that he was different. I believed that Harry is a genuine and gentle soul. I still want to believe that because, despite the bar incident, Harry had been kind and placid.

But, the bar fight had caused terror and flashbacks to wreak havoc on my mental health for the last week. The bar fight had me questioning my initial intuition.

I'm not naïve. I know that people can lose their temper -I know that better than anyone. I know that Harry was only trying to protect and defend me. I know that I shouldn't blame him for one mistake.

I know all of that... And yet... I feel an odd sense of betrayal. That somehow, by Harry attacking that guy, he had broken an unspoken promise between us. What that promise is, I am unsure, but I can't help but feel that something between us has been broken -shifted. And I'm not sure if it can be righted again.

Because even though I know that Harry may not be a violent person in nature, seeing him that way... Eyes full of rage, fists hitting skin, bleeding knuckles... All I could see was Him.

And suddenly, I've done a 180. Away from one violent man and straight into another.

Because He had told me that he would never hurt me. That He wasn't violent, that it was just His anger getting the best of Him.

And that was a lie.

And Harry had told me that he would never hurt me. That he isn't violent, that it was his anger getting the best of him.

And that could be a lie.

How can I possibly know that everyone I meet isn't just another Him hidden underneath false pretenses? Even if my gut is screaming that Harry isn't like Him at all -even if I somehow know, deep down, that Harry is different, how do I really know? How could I possibly trust my gut when it had been so, so wrong before?