Paper Hearts

THEN:Chapter 36

“Stars, hide your fires; Let not light see my black and deep desires.”  - William Shakespeare

Eden:

That night at work didn’t feel like it was going to be any different to any other day. I served drinks for the first couple of hours of my shift, which was way nicer than actually dancing for the guys who leered and tried to grab me everytime I walked past.                 I tried not to look at the customers too closely, anyway – if I did, I’d freeze in the middle of whatever I was doing and lose my money. And I couldn’t afford to lose my money – George was always in need of something! It had been nice to buy him proper gifts for his fifth birthday, but now that he was actually at school more pressing things needed to be considered; coats, shoes, dinner money, money for a trip, a present for a kid’s party...the list was endless. Unfortunately, my supply of money was less so. I tried not to think about the customers, either – on the rare occasions when I did, I was filled with such pure, bitter hatred that I decided to avoid any deep thought from that point onwards.

By the time I was ready to ‘perform’, my section was practically empty. Monday nights were always slow, which was annoying considering I couldn’t afford to have a slow day. There was a lone man in my section – young, dark curls, staring into his pint glass – who didn’t look too much like he was enjoying himself. Guys in groups usually paid better, egged on by their friends to throw over more cash, but there weren’t any groups of men anywhere, so I guess the guy would have to do. It was less embarrassing stripping for one guy, anyway.

I closed my eyes briefly, forcing myself into the mentality I needed to make this work – detached myself, like I wasn’t fully aware of what I was doing. It made life easier. I plastered a smile on my face and swayed over to him in my tiny shorts and the bra covered in leaves, which actually covered up most of my midriff as well as my chest – I’d grown quite fond of that top once I saw the skimpy things that some of the other girls wore. I leant towards him across the table, looking almost as though I were glad to see him. That job made me qualified to be an actress ten times over, I reckon.

“Good evening”

I moved towards him, ready to climb up onto the pole and do what I detested doing. His head snapped up, a leering, eager grin on his face, just as my leg swung up – and I saw who it was.

I gave a small cry and toppled down; he grabbed my wrist to stop me, the smile gone from his lips.

“Eden?”

“Josh” I barely breathed his name, I was so horrified; I couldn’t tear my eyes away from his stunned face, “Oh God, oh God, no. Please tell me you’re here alone?!”

He nodded, mute and gawping. My fingers dug hard into his arm.

“What the Hell are you doing in a place like this?” he asked at last, eyes moving over me in a strange combination of horror and longing. My nails bit harder into his flesh.

“That doesn’t matter. We need to talk. Now”

I looked around us, heart pounding so hard against my ribcage that it hurt, and realised that the light wasn’t on to signify that the VIP room, usually reserved for Stag parties, was in use. I dragged Josh in there, him stumbling over his feet – partly due to drink as well as shock, I suspect – and locked the door behind us.

“Listen to me, Josh. I’m serious about this – you CANNOT tell Ollie you’ve seen me. You do not tell him I’m here, or that we’ve spoken – in fact, don’t even mention me. I don’t exist to you. I am dead to you. You don’t even remember my name. This never happened”

“But – “

“No buts! I’m serious, Josh, he can’t know”

He stared at me, clearly still in shock, “But why not?”

I didn’t want to go into the ins and outs of the letter and his neglect to reply, or of George, or that book that he left on the doorstep over five years ago. So I lied.

“I’ve moved on” I snapped, “He’d be an inconvenience now”

Josh looked horrified, “What? But he – but you guys were – “

“Yeah, I know. But things are different now. I’m not who I was anymore”

He eyed me up and down again and I knew that he was judging me, “I can see that”

“So you won’t say a word?”

He looked anxious, “He’s my friend, I can’t lie to hi-“

“What would it take?” I asked, my voice verging on the edge between desperation and hysteria, “What would it take to stop you telling him? Look, I don’t have a lot of money, but I can try and – “

“I don’t want money” Josh snapped, sounding almost hurt that I had suggested it.

“Then what do you want?! Please, Josh, you can’t tell him, you can’t – “I stopped, hesitated. He hadn’t said anything, but his eyes were on me again, lingering this time. I remembered Ollie telling me once that Josh had wanted me. And he’d been right about Jack, after all (though I wished he hadn’t been)...so he was probably right about Josh, too. It had been a long time ago, and the thought made my skin crawl and my stomach roil, but I knew how to make him want me again. I so didn’t want to do it. I didn’t want to make this job even worse than it already was. But my dignity had gone a long time ago – and Ollie couldn’t know – and I had nothing to lose.

So I unhooked the bra I was wearing and let it drop in a rustle of fake leaves, my eyes fixed on his face. His eyes widened a little, darkening with desire, face etched with stunned disbelief. I swayed towards him again, slid onto his lap with my legs wrapped around him, pressing myself against him. I dragged my eyes to his and tried to hide my revulsion, how much I wanted to cry, how much I hated myself.

“If I do this” I moved closer to him, my body almost joined with his, “If we sleep together here, now – do you swear you won’t tell him anything about me?”

Josh nodded, breathing quickly, “Yes. Yes, I swear, I promise”

I have never hated myself more in my life than I did that night.

And I will never tell anyone what happened that night.