Dear God

thirty one ◇ lose it all

"Dear God,

"I woke up this morning with a headache.

"It was boundless and tiring. 

"I thought I was sick, but then as the morning progressed, I was all right again.

"All right in the headache's case, but still tiring when it came to peace of mind.

"I didn't sleep a wink last night, and considering how mom always tells me you know everything, that you see everything, you would've seen it yourself. You would've already read my mind.

"Hell, I was plotting against you!

"For the very first time in my life. 

"All this while, I believed in you without a single word of denial or questioning. I trusted you, I trusted my mom, I believed she was speaking the truth.

"Well now, all of a sudden, I don't.

"And it isn't because you did anything. In fact, it's because you did nothing. From the absolute beginning, you did nothing, nothing, nothing.

"Yet I believed in you. In your presence. In this hide and seek thing you've been doing ever since I was seven.

"And this wasn't an out of the moment realization. It had been going on in my mind for several weeks now. The weeks I spent not talking to you.

"But yesterday, after an entire night's tossing and turning, I finally realized.

"So that was probably why I suffered a headache this morning. You were probably too upset I let you down. But God, remember how I told you only I would understand myself in this entire world? Well, I still stick onto that.

"Then in that case, why in the world am I still talking to you like a lost cause every single day in hopes you'll just give me a glance?

"How long have I been waiting?

"You think this is a joke? 

"You probably do, but I certainly don't. Everything might be a joke to you. After all, you do have immeasurable power and the world beneath your feet.

"I've spent days of mine talking to you, crying, asking for advice right when I needed it, and even though you never replied, I was happy you at least listened. Until then.

"Certainly not anymore.

"Because you know something?

"It took me everything to believe, but a single moment of revelation to shatter it all.

"To lose it all.

"Today I lost something and if you insist, I'm willing to admit the force of this realization might've been the cause of my headache.

"But of course you wouldn't insist. You're still so caught up in this cat and mouse game to give me a chance.

"Until yesterday, I was happy with this way of telling. 

"Not any more.

"Now, it needs to stop.

"So t-that's why, God, I'm stopping this talk."

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