Always

Last Wish

When I was let out of the hospital, I was allowed one week to 'recover mentally.' I'd laughed out loud when Haymitch told me, a cold and detached laugh. They expected a mere seven days to be enough time for me to recover? To recover from watching my husband willingly go into the clutches of the Capitol, just to save me. Hearing him tell me to run. Knowing that if put in the same situation again, I would still let him go? They don't understand. They can't know what it's like. A week of recovery? No. There's no recovering from that. That night in the arena will always haunt me.

But I allowed myself to have the entire week of tears, anger, and crippling sobs. I screamed and I cried. Anger and despair. For one week, I allowed myself to feel every heart wrenching pain. And when that week ended, I was completely drained. I had settled into a state of no emotion. Laying on my bed, holding my stomach, silent. Just like my mother had, six years prior.

That was when I first heard the whispers.

I'll find you.

The whispers reminded me that Peeta was fighting to come back to me. It was this knowledge that chased the void within me away, the emptiness. The crippling sadness, the desperate longing still existed but there was a will to fight. We were a team. If he was fighting then so would I. And so for nearly the past two and a half weeks since my 'week of recovery' ended, I have been campaigning to be allowed to go to District 12. I wanted to go home, just for a while.

Even if it's ashes.

When I blew up the arena and brought down the force field, the televisions in District 12 went black and the electricity was cut. The silence was so heavy that you could hear one another's heartbeats. For fifteen minutes all was still . . . and then the bombs were dropped. The Capitol hovercraft bombed everything, sparing only the Victor's Village. The Seam. The Town. Even the Justice Building. All gone. Charred, smoking, blackened remains are all that is left of my home.

But seeing district twelve, was something that I needed to do.

As my feet continue to carry me, I walk towards the seam, the place I call home. The home my father and mother lived in for so many years, is nothing but ash. The memories of sitting around the fire at night and dad telling us stories, are gone along with the home. I shake my head and leave the seam, leaving behind the life I once had.

The walk to the victors village seems longer than usual, but maybe that's because I'm slower now. I'm weaker.

Katniss, you are not weak. If anything you are the strongest person I know.

I scoff at his whisper and shake my head, disagreeing with him.

The houses still stand tall and unaffected from what has happened to the district. The grass shines a bright green and the flowers are still blooming. But why would they leave it untouched? Maybe fore the news reporters to stay in when they come here, or is it Snow showing his eminent power over everything? He's still playing the game.

I stand silently in between the house I was given after winning the games and the house Peeta and I shared after our toasting. My heart begs and longs to go into the house that I shared with him, but I run the other way, opening and slamming the door to my house.

The living room sits neatly untouched and the kitchen table still holds my mothers herbs and medical supplies. I can practically hear prim laughing outside with her goat Lady and cat Buttercup. I slowly walk up the stairs and into my old bedroom. Memories of restless night fill my head but then the memories of sneaking out the window to go to Peeta's house takes over. I smile at the thought.

I find my game bag and hunting jacket, lying in the bottom of my closet. Pulling both on, I continue my trek through the house. Coming to a stop outside of my little sisters room, I hear a noise. Opening the door slowly, I find buttercup laying on her bed.

"I bet you want to see Prim." I tell him while scooping him up and placing him in my game bag. I pick up my mother's herbs as well, and I only hesitate for a split second before taking the picture of my dad as well.

"I can't stall anymore." I whisper to no one but myself.

As I leave the house, I close the door with a solid click and slowly walk to Peeta's front porch.

My hand hovers over the doorknob, sacred to open it. Because I know that the moment I do, everything will come crashing back and hit me like a tornado. His laughter, his smile, his hugs, his body, his everything. And I don't know if I can even begin to prepare myself for what I'm about to endure, but I somehow muster up enough courage to push open the solid oak door. His laughter fills the air, with his scent of cinnamon and dill. I can see him, standing in the kitchen kneading dough. His strong arms flex as he works and he flashes me a grin when he sees me. His blonde hair hangs in curls that fall around his eyes and curl at the back of his neck. His eyes lock with mine and he smiles once again.

Hey Kat

And then he's gone, not even a crumb of the dough he was kneading is left. The air is silent, no longer filled with his laughter and the scent of dill and cinnamon no longer hangs in the air. I feel the tears stinging at my eyes but I blink them away and climb up the steps to our room.

His shirt hangs on the back of the chair and his boots sit on the floor, double knotted. I glance towards the bed that holds so many memories. Tears of happiness and sorrow have fallen on the pillowcases, love and anger surrounds the room.

I always sleep better when you're near me.

I nod my head and run my hand along his pillow. "Me too, Peeta."

A white piece of paper lies neatly folded on the bed with my name written on it.

Dear Katniss,
For so many years, I loved you without you even knowing. And while some thought it was odd and wrong, you embraced it and loved me back. This past year with you has been everything to me, you are everything to me. When you told me about the baby, when we had our toasting together, or when we would lay in bed at night and relish over the happy memories.

I suppose since you are reading this, that means I didn't come back from the games with you. But don't be sad, you have a whole life ahead of you and I feel honored that I was able to take place in it. I'll always be with you and the baby. But my last wish, is that you tell the baby who I was. I want my child to know that I would have been there if I could. Don't ever forget me, Katniss. I love you. Always.

Peeta

His letter leaves me in tears and I silently fold it and place it in my pocket along with the pearl he gave me.

"I could never forget you, Peeta."

I take the few shirts that are in his drawer, but leaving his favorite blue one hanging on the chair. Grabbing his sketch book and the few pencils he has in the room, I walk back down the stairs. Gently closing the door behind me, I stand and look at the flowers that scatter the grass. Dandelions.

Welcome home, Katniss

I shake my head. "No, Peeta this isn't home without you."

I look around what's left of our district, what Snow has done to our lives. The families he destroyed and the happiness he has taken away. He took Peeta and that's something I'll never be able to forgive him for. I will fight.

I'm getting my husband back.

A.N. You go girl. She is such a fighter and I have no doubt she'll get Peeta back. But of course there will be some ups and downs in that battle. So I hope y'all liked the FIRST chapter of mockingjay! This story is going to be A LOT different from the original, and especially closer to the end. Plus she is HAVING TWINS!! I couldn't resist. See ya later.