Memories

Five

If I can be by your side only in silence, then I would stay with you quietly for eternity.

I started appreciating what silence had brought me. It made me take in many details I had once overlooked. Details that I wished I had etched in my mind, long ago.

You sat in the middle of the couch, with your hand holding onto something as you stared right ahead at the television screen. It wasn't showing anything, because I hadn't bothered to switch it on. I didn't want anything to come between us now.

You were right in front of me.

What could be more important?

Nothing.

But if only I had realized this sooner. Maybe then, you would still be here. Maybe you would still smile at me. Maybe.

I tried to ignore the lump forming in my throat. And my eyes that burned. The silence that never left let me focused on you. As I gazed deeper into your faded azure eyes, I couldn't help but wonder.

What exactly were you thinking all along?

Were you thinking about me? Yourself? Our children? Or were you thinking about how you hated us?

Maybe you weren't thinking at all. Because of your dementia, maybe you had forgotten about everything, including the ability to think. Of us.

I didn't realize I was so immersed in my own thoughts that I hadn't taken account of the surroundings until I saw my own hand reaching out for you. I almost, almost came in contact with you.

But could I?

I stopped my movement in its track. Hesitating whether to pull back or reach out, I let my hand hang in the air. It started shaking,  I wasn't sure why, but I didn't want to know.

You aren't real. I reminded myself. You left already.

Somehow, my own voice managed to pain myself. The sharp, critical voice, coming from within me, was bursting with so much truth, forcing me to understand that.

Rationality. Sometimes I had hoped it would get lost.

And how rare, it actually did.

I stretched forth my hand towards your face.

As I slowly came close, my heart slammed violently against my rib cage. It took everything I had, to not back away.

Am I scared? The thought bubbled within me.

I guess I was. Rejection and disappointment had always terrified me. Especially when it revolved around you.

I took in a deep breath, realizing just how dry my lips and how numb my fingers were.

When I pushed forward and thought what would meet my fingertips was warmth, I was met with absolutely nothing.

My fingers slipped past. The anxiousness was lifted off my shoulders but a heavier feeling took its place.

Despair.

I winced.

I know, I know so clearly that nothing was there as my hand passed through you. It was supposed to be this way.

But it still hurts.

So much more than an unrequited love. And ten times more painful when you forgot about me. Or perhaps a thousand times more than when you left.

It hurts.

I pulled back my hand in slight hesitation before holding it with my other hand, attempting to get rid of the weird sensation pulsing at my fingertips. Strangely, they felt numb and cold. As though they got electrified. As though they too, were as shocked as I was.

I wondered if hearts could bleed from sadness, because mine felt like it just did. I had never thought that we could be so near yet it felt as though we were galaxies apart.

You were just so far away.

It had been so long since we sat down in one place together, the distance between us were always growing. But, right now, you were so close.

But I couldn't touch you.

I couldn't talk to you.

I couldn't do anything.

Letting out a shuddery breath, I tore my gaze away from you and tightened my grip on my hand.

My heart ached as though someone had thrust thousands of daggers into my heart before shredding it into pieces.

Again and again.

Like a loop.

It was all I could do to keep myself from breaking down. I couldn't breathe when the pain overwhelmed me as I relived the feeling of disappointment.

I could have run away.

From you, from us and from all these pain.

Why didn't I?

My eyes wandered back to you and the answer came to me like it was the most natural thing to think of.

Because this is home. This is where you are. And I couldn't leave you behind again.

You were staring blankly right ahead, as though ignoring me for my wrongs.

I had never looked at you properly. And now you were refusing to look at me.

Your eyes shut completely and you dozed off.

I deserved this.

You were right here, but yet so far away. Like a star in the sky, I would never be able to touch it. Watching is all I could do.

I let the cruel reality sunk in and smiled bitterly.

But why am I so glad?

Shakily, I stood up and walked over to your side.

I didn't do anything else.

I just sat beside you.

And that was enough.

As long as you're here.