Anxiety // Jakob Delgado

27. | 7 weeks before

I haven't edited this yet but have fun.

Hailey:

I'm sitting in maths: a class I don't have with Jakob. Usually a sit alone, but today something else happens. Chris walks in, surrounded by all of his friends. My old friends. I miss them. Then, as everyone else is sitting down, he comes and sits next to me. My heart starts beating fast and it takes me a few seconds to get myself under control.

He's only sitting next to you, Hailey, this isn't a big deal.

"Hey." He smiles as he gets out his books.

"Hi." I reply, hoping I don't sound too shy.

The teacher walks in and sets her things down, turning on the projector. Our textbook is displayed on the screen but I'm finding it hard to read.

"Can you see it?" Chris whispers, seemingly noticing my squinting.

"N-not really." I stutter, immediately embarrassed. He doesn't say anything, though, just pulls a copy of the book from his bag.

"Use this."

"Thank you." I try my best for a smile, taking the book with a shaky hand. My other hand rests in my lap, twisting a ring around my middle finger. I can do this.

We spend the entire lesson in mostly silence, the classroom too quiet to speak. When we could talk, Chris asked me about my piano. By the end, I'm actually able to talk to him. The sick feeling inside of me subsides, and I'm almost feeling normal. Almost. This is a good step for me.

"Hey, do you want to come to Lara's party with me on Friday night?" He suddenly asks as we're packing up.

"Um, I-I don't know. I think I'm busy." I stumble, unsure as to what this means. There's no way I can go to a party.

"Can you get back to me?" Chris asks. The bell goes and he stands up, his hands around his books as he leans over the side of the desk and smiles at me.

"Yeah."

I walk out of the classroom, only to be met with Jakob. He smiles quickly, but he sort of looks a little questioning too. I ignore him, focusing on putting out the remaining dwindling anxiety fire inside my stomach. I just sat and talked with Chris for an hour and a half. I did it.

"Were you sitting with Chris?" Jakob eventually asks as we begin to walk.

"He sat next to me." I reply.

"What happened?"

"Does it matter?"

"I-I guess not."

It was probably a bit harsh but I'm met with a wave of anxiety. I'm glad school is over because I don't know if I could make it through another class. Quickly, I make it out to Mum's car and get in. We drive home and when we arrive, I get out quickly.

"You can say no, but is it okay if I go out for an hour or so? I want to see Jason." Mum asks.

Her and Jason made up. Eventually he understood and they're back together again. In a way, I'm glad Mum has someone, but I'm more glad she didn't fall back into her old habits.

"That's okay."

Twenty minutes later, I'm laying on my bed. There's nothing to do, so I just lay and think. I think about school and I think about Jakob, but most of all, I think about Lara's party on Friday night. Going could mean so much good, but going could also mean so much worse. I hear my doorbell ring and slide off of my bed, walking down the stairs. It's weird because I used to be terrified of opening the front door, but now I can handle it. That's just another thing that proves I'm getting better.