Anxiety // Jakob Delgado

20. | 13 weeks before

Hailey:

Jakob knocks on my bedroom door at 6:00pm. I put down my straightener which I was using to lightly curl the ends of my hair and walk out into my room. He's let himself in and is standing by my bed.

"Wow." Is all I can say. He's wearing a light blue dress shirt and black skinny jeans and honestly, he's never looked nicer.

"You look amazing." He breathes, walking over to me. He wraps me up in a hug which I gratefully accept. Something in this moment is different than usual.

"Aren't you going to get hot?" I ask once we finally pull away. The sun is shining for the first time in a while and in that crowd, it's going to be even warmer.

"No, I'll be fine." Jakob reassures me with a smile. He sort of stares at me for a little bit until I realise something.

"I just need to finish getting ready."

I turn around and walk back into the bathroom. It's been so long since I've had to get dressed up like this and I don't want to mess up. It doesn't take me long to finish my hair and then I'm done.

"Mikaila's here." Jakob announces. I step out of the bathroom and walk over to my bed, picking up my bag. I made sure I had everything before. Maybe that is one perk of anxiety; I'm completely prepared.

"Shall we?" I ask in a fake posh accent, gesturing for him to leave the room first. He does so with a smile and leads the way down the stairs. He races down the last three and then helps me down by holding my hand. I can't help but feel something I don't want to be feeling.

"Alright, I want you guys to have a good time, okay?" Mum asks as we're passing the kitchen.

"We will, mum." I reply. She brings her phone out of her pocket and I know what this means: she wants a photo. I hesitantly move over closer to Jakob and smile as mum takes the photo. I've always hated photos but I'm sort of excited that I finally have one with Jakob.

Then it's finally time to leave. I open the door as we both walk through, walking quickly down to Mikaila who's waiting in the car. She's going to drive us because it's too far to walk and too annoying to take the bus. I really appreciate this more, too.

"You look really nice, Hailey." Mikaila compliments me as we start driving down the road.

"Thanks." I reply quietly, a wave of anxiety washing over me.

It's like this for another five minutes. I just close my eyes and lean my head against the car window. I slow my heart rate and push down the nausea. I'm almost in a completely different zone when I feel Jakob's hand on my lower thigh. My attention snaps to him, finding him staring at me with a worked expression. He sort of tilts his head in a questioning way, asking if I'm okay. I just force out a nod and return to closing my eyes.

"We're here!" Mikaila announces as we drive through two big gates.

There's no point even trying to find a car park so we drive around in circles, formulating plans on when and where we need to be picked up. Once that's done, we get out in a no-standing zone. Jakob pulls me by the wrist off the road and onto the grass. We're slowly enveloped by the crowd and my anxiety only grows. At one point I'm almost separated from Jakob and I let out a small whimper. I've never been more embarrassed. He doesn't make fun of me; instead he grabs my hand. I swear I felt his tremble a little bit but that was probably just me. The rest of me is shaking so I wouldn't be surprised if my hand is too.

"Let's just go in and find our seats, okay?" Jakob almost has to yell through the crowd. I just nod and follow him.

Half an hour later, we're seated. We're in the front row of the seated area. The only space between us and the stage is general admission. As the people roll in, the sky gets darker and the butterflies in my stomach come to life again. I just focus on deep breaths and remind myself what I'm here for: Ed Sheeran, Jakob and myself. I'm here for myself. I need to do this. What if I can't do this? Who will I be disappointing? Do I have to stay? What would happen if-?

"Hailey, stop that. You're staying and you're going to get through this." Jakob cuts me off as if he could read my thoughts. I just stare at the ground, slightly embarrassed at myself.

An hour later, the doors shut and the stage lights come on. A count down starts on the screen and at the end, Ed Sheeran himself walks on stage. He's carrying nothing but a guitar and bottle of water. I know this is going to be good.

It's half way through The A Team that I spot Chris, Ethan and Lara. If this were last year, I would be down with them. They're at the back of general admission, only one or two people standing behind them. I just hope they don't turn around and spot us. So far, so good, and I'm actually starting to enjoy myself.

Ed's singing Don't now and Jakob and I are both singing along. We're laughing and having a good time and I can't help but remember how long it's been since I've done something like this and had this much fun. The song finishes and Jakob instantly wraps me up in a hug. I'm a little surprised but he pulls away with a massive smile on his face.

"This next song is for all the lovers in the crowd," Ed Sheeran announces. There's a loud cheer and even though this song doesn't apply to us, we don't sit down. "If you're here with your girl or guy, grab them around their waist and tell them how much they mean to you."

The starting finger picking for Tenerife Sea echo through the arena and the lights from everyone's phones look like a thousand tiny little stars. I just stand there, staring at Ed on the stage. How can one person be that amazing? I wasn't even aware that Jakob was staring at me until I catch him out of the corner of my eye. I try not to blush and force the butterflies down in my stomach. These butterflies are different, though. Then I feel his hand slide around my back and him step behind me, wrapping both his arms lightly around my waist. He rests his cheek on my temple and just holds me there, mid chorus of Tenerife Sea. This is definitely not a feeling I've felt before. Does he feel the same things I've been feeling of is this purely friendly? How could this be friendly, though? I don't know.

Towards the end of the song, I can't take it anymore. I need to try it; I need to know how it feels. I carefully spin around in Jakob's arms and come face to face with him. I lean in slowly, knowing that if he doesn't want this, he'll pull away. He doesn't and despite my heart thumping in my chest, I do it. I kiss him. It's slow and it's beautiful. As I bring my arms up around his neck and tangle my fingers in the back of his hair, the song ends. The crowd cheers but we don't pull away. Then, finally he does and I'm not sure what to do. His eyes flicker off to the left, widen slightly and then look back to me.

"Chris just saw that."

"Does that matter?" I ask, a little confused. He sort of hesitates for a few seconds, looking back in the direction I assume Chris is in. I resist the urge to look, mostly because I'm scared of what I'll find.

"No." Jakob eventually says, looking back to me.

•••

I lay in bed that night, completely awake. I'm still on a high and I can't seem to come back down. I can't stop smiling. I'm thinking about Jakob, of course, but I'm not entirely sure what this means for us. I know I have feelings for him- the scary type; the more-than-friends feelings. Where they came from? I don't know. All I do know is that I have them and they aren't seeming to leave me alone. For now though, I know I have to sleep. Some things you just need to deal with in the morning.