Anxiety // Jakob Delgado

7. | 16 weeks before

Hailey:

When I wake up the next morning, my face is tear stained and so is my pillow. Silently, I rip the pillowcase off my pillow and run to the laundry before Mum can question me. After throwing the pillowcase in the washing machine, I head back into my room and to the shower. I let the water run over me for as long as I can before forcing myself to get out. All I can think about is how rude I was to Jakob yesterday. He's trying to help me and I'm treating him like he's a piece of shit. I know he's only going to keep coming back for so long and after that, he'll be gone. If I keep screwing up with him, there's no chance for us being friends at all. I push my thoughts away and finish drying myself before walking out into my room and getting changed into my school uniform. I'm just pulling my jumper on when I hear a voice.

"Hailey, can I talk to you for a second?" I turn around to see Mum at the door.

"Um, yeah." I reply, trying not to freak out. My breathing quickens and my heart races. Normal people freak out when their Mum say they need to talk, so you can imagine what goes on inside my brain when it happens to me. My face feels hot and flushed.

"What's going on with you and Jakob?" She asks. Last night I yelled at her for telling Jakob about me, which is why I went to sleep crying.

"Honestly, I don't know." I mutter, looking down at my fingers.

"He really wants to help you; I think you want him to help you, too." The second half scares me, but her words are true. I want to let Jakob in more than anything.

"I-Im going to be late for school." I stutter, standing up and walking over to my schoolbag. My eyes travel to the sheet music on my piano and I grab it, also stuffing the folder into my bag. I'm ready to go now but there's still fifteen minutes before we have to leave. Mum stands up and walks out of the room slowly, closing the door behind her. That's when my phone lights up with a text.

Jakob: can I hang out with you today?

I want more than anything to reply with a yes, but I don't want to get myself into something I can't do. Instead, I delete the text and throw my phone down on the bed. I sort of stare at it for a second and then the tears come. My knees give way beneath me and I fall to the floor, leaning my forehead against the bed head for support. What am I doing to this boy? Why can I not just let him in? It's not that hard, so why does it seem that way?

"Hailey, it's okay." I feel Mums arms around me.

"Why am I so mean? Why do I mess everything up?" I cry.

"You don't mess everything up; this isn't you. You're not going to school today, alright? Maybe you could call Jakob." Mum tells me. That would be a great idea if I wasn't terrified of even the idea of it.

"I might." I manage to croak out through my tears, but I know it's a lie.

Half an hour later, Mum leaves for work and I lay on my bed, staring up at the ceiling. I think I stay this way for a least another hour before my phone goes off again. I reach for it down the end of the bed and see its Jakob.

Jakob: where are you?

As per usual, I ignore the text and get out of bed. My legs carry me to my schoolbag where I pull out my sheet music and place it back on my piano. I sit down on the stool and position my foot on the pedal, placing my fingers on the keys. Then I start playing and lose everything in the song. I close my eyes and for some reason, I still manage to keep playing without messing up. The air around me feels like magic and I feel like I'm floating. I've never felt this good and in control of myself for so long. Once the song ends, I crash back to reality like a freight train. I check the time and see its 11:30am- which means it's recess. That's when I decide to take the first step and call him.

"Oh my god, Hailey?" Jakob rushes from the other end. I can hear the chattering of the school yard behind him but it sounds like he's alone. He wouldn't have answered his phone that quickly otherwise.

"Yeah, it's me. I'm at home, I-," I start, cutting myself off. Maybe I shouldn't lie to him; maybe this is my first leap of faith. "I had an anxiety attack this morning and couldn't bring myself to go."

"Are you okay?" He asks, concern laced in his tone. This just comforts me more than I ever thought it would.

"Um, I will be. And I was thinking; do you want to come over after school? There are some things I'd like to say." I decide it's better to just do all of this in one day. I'm going to apologise and explain, and we'll see what happens from there. This is the day I take that first step of recovery. I've been taking my meds but I know having someone will help me that little bit extra. I think I'm at the point I want to recover. 

"Wow, I'm feeling a little sick! I might need to go home early!" Jakob starts dramatically, sarcasm very evident in his voice. For some reason, I smile.

"I'll be home all day." I laugh, surprised at how I'm already smiling after a two minute conversation with him.

"I'll see you soon." He replies, laughing as well. Something about him seems so warm and calm, and it's very comforting.

He hangs up and I drop my phone, smiling because of two things. One: because I'm happy about how much he seems to care, and two: because I'm proud of myself.