Behind the Clothing

CHAPTER 1:LOST, CONFUSED, and SUFFOCATED

As I lay here thinking about what this dreadful year has in store me I start to think about how I must honestly be worthless. I mean lets be real if life is suppose to be the wonderful experience to enjoy, then why is it I feel like my life has been nothing, but a bag full of shit. I mean usually people go through a few bad things in life and recover, What if we don't recover? What if all the twisted tragedy some of us go through sticks with us for life? I am starting to think I am not meant to be alive in this lifetime. You will soon understand why I feel this way. These feelings didn't surface over night. These feelings have been stuck bubbling, mixing, stirring, rotting, and blackening inside me for a very long time. I guess I should just let you read on and understand.

I am Katsu Henry Yamamoto. Though all of you can call me Kiyoshi or Yoshii for short. If you are wondering why the name change, well it is because I believe being someone is far better then being yourself. I mean why would I want to be me when I can create a character and be them? So, I go by Kiyoshi. I attend Bellview High School. I live in Bellview, California. I am a 16 year old Junior. I come from a a middle class family. Well, we are above normal middle class, but we aren’t super rich. I am half Japanese and half Caucasian. I have an older brother (23 years old) and an older sister (20 years old). I guess that is it for now. Oh shit!! It is 6:37am I must get up and get ready for school before my mom comes in here and raises hell.

OK I am all showered, teeth are brushed, hair is fixed, outfit on, and it is only 7:30. I have enough time to make it to school on time. I make my way down the stairs and almost out the door when my dad stopped me.

“Hey Katsu it is your first day, so please try to be normal and social. I want you making friends this year and not look so lonely. You are a very interesting young man and making friends isn't so bad”

“Dad you give me this speech every year. The people at school just do not like me. I am different. I don’t play football, I do not care about cars, and I certainly don't care about looking up the cheerleader's skirts. Don't get me started on the girls. They don’t like me either. They say I am weird and not their type. So, please dad back off this year. I won't be popular like Kiyama and Kanjo. I am just different.”

“You just don't want to try. You rather be by yourself then try and be social.”

“No dad IM JUST NOT ACCEPTED THERE!!”

“Don't raise your voice at me!! When I am only trying to help you”

“Forget it dad I am going to be late. Having this conversation isn't going to solve anything.”

I guess you can see that my dad and I don't have that son and pop relationship. You know the kind of relationship where you hang out with your dad, do certain activities. No, my dad and I aren't like that. He wants me to be like my older siblings, but I refuse to go to the drunken parties, have the fake friends, and talk about things that have no importance whatsoever. I just don't understand why I cant be by myself. I don't feel like I need friends. You can only trust in yourself. My dad feels the need that all his kids must be like him. It is not my fault that I’m not popular. I can't help the fact that I'm not like them. I am different. Why can he just accept that!!!! It is so fucking frustrating feeling the pressure he piles on me. He wants me to be the smartest, the jock, the social lite, the club guy, class president. I refuse because I'm not any of that. I am just me. That isn't good enough for him though. Its starting to really kill me inside because I wish he would just let me be me. That is one dream I know for a fact that won't come true. I'm willing to bet my life on it.

I slowly push the pain away like I always do. It is no use in feeling sorry for yourself. I am almost at school and I quickly notice some “classmates” are walking as well. I hate when I see them. I hate it because they always want to start trouble. They always find energy to piss me off.