Why I Can't Rule The World

No. 20

"You're my hiding place /
My home /
And fear cannot invade /
These four walls /
I need You near /
I need You here"
-- for King & Country; "Steady"

<<<<<<<<<<

That night, I stared at the ceiling of a guest bedroom down the hall from Alivia's. Sawyer offered to share his room with me, but Mrs. Olson insisted on me having my own. I was more than thankful for the Olsons letting me stay at their house for the time being. I felt needy and weak, but I didn't deny their hospitality.

After we ate dinner, Sawyer was helping me put sheets on the bed and bring my stuff from the car, which was only one bag.

"I'm sorry this is happening to you," he said, pulling a sheet out of the laundry basket.

"I mean, it's not like I could've done anything to stop it," I muttered, letting my luggage drop to the floor.

"Hey, don't beat yourself up over this," he stated firmly, making eye contact with me. "It isn't your fault it happened."

I swallowed and sighed.

"The least I could've done was tell them more efficiently. I just want them to know," I protested, the sinking feeling in my gut never ceasing.

"Look, you just got baptized, just heard about Jesus. You're new to this, and I bet God was guiding your words with your family."

"Sawyer--"

"Listen. Did you feel comfortable hearing about God for the first time?" he interrupted.

"No. I didn't know what to think."

"Exactly. Maybe your dad did hear about it years ago, but it takes time for the Message to sink in. Whether it be years or days. He panicked because the world doesn't go for what we represent. Understand?"

His words echoed in my brain as I rolled over in bed, trying to go to sleep. The only light came from a nightlight in the hallway and the moon filtering through the curtains. My only company was the silence pounding in my ears. Every regret still screamed at me, but I cut them off, refusing to give them my ear.

Deep down, I knew it wasn't my fault, but I couldn't help but feel like it was. I was the one that brought faith out in the open at my house and corrupted the flow we lived in. It wasn't like I could keep my most prized possession a secret though. I enjoyed believing, and I felt like I needed to in order to get through this life.

I just wanted to talk to them. I wanted to see Grandma and talk to Pearl. She at least has to know that I forgive her, and that it wasn't her wrongdoing. Dad was going to figure out somehow, I couldn't keep it from him for long.

Sitting up, I pulled my knees up to my chest and stared out the window. A different sense of gratitude came over me. Not only are the Olsons helping me, but God is protecting me. The whole situation could've been a lot worse. I could be on the streets right now. I could not even believe at all.

I prayed.

Eventually, I gave in to my drooping eyelids with one final thought.

"God, I'd be nowhere without You."

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The next day, I went to school.

While I was still feeling like a corpse of nothing, I couldn't stay hidden away for any longer. I had to do something, go somewhere. At least try to make this better.

The ride to school with Sawyer and Alivia seemed longer than it should've. I genuinely enjoyed spending time with them, but that Tuesday morning we hadn't said a word past "Good morning" to each other. The uneasy silence gave me a headache.