"How was practice today Peyton?" asked Papa John.
"It was great!" Peyton Manning exclaimed. "My receivers were WIDE OPEN, if you know what I mean."
"Wide open? How wide open are we talking about here?"
"We're talking Paris Hilton levels of wide open!"
"Wow! You think you can go that far for me now?"
"Eh, I don't know. I need a hip replacement in April. I don't know if---AAAHH!!!"
"I'm sorry Peyton (not really) but my meat lovers pizza was ready for delivery."
"Oh, it's delivering alright. Ungh! There's almost too much meat."
"Now all we need to do is make sure that Mama Jean, my wife, doesn't find out I hide in more closets than a child with an abusive father."
"WHAT?! I thought you hid in more closets than---OOH--- Tom Cruise!"
*They were groaning so loud, that they didn't notice a figure approaching the locker room*
Chapter 2
"Yo, what the hell is going on in here?!" screamed Cum Newton.
"Uh," stammered Papa John, "it isn't what it looks and/or smells like!"
"Eh, it kinda is," Peyton says admittedly.
"Man," says an annoyed Cum Newton, "I'm just trying to get to my lucky tank (fueled by Gatorade™), and I walk in on some gay ass shit!"
"Would you care to join us, Cum? You're always talking about being yourself. Why don't you just dab on over here and give some love to Papa," coaxed Papa John.
"Bruh!" yelled Cum.
"Hey Cum. You like NWA, right?"
asked Peyton.
"Yeah, why?"
"Well, you can Express Yourself when you're coming Straight Outta Papa's asshole!"
"THAT'S IT, YO! I'M OUT!" Cum screamed in frustration.
"Uh. Peyton?"
"Yes, Papa?"
"You didn't happen to bring any, uh, ya know, protection by any chance?"
"Wait, what do you mean by that?"
"Well, I didn't bring any, and I don't feel like releasing the pizza sauce anywhere except inside of your Indianapolis Cunt."
"I prefer Denver Bronc-hole now but whatever. Anyway, you can't just pull out?"
"It's too late for that."
"Papa, wait. Don't do this!"
"Here it comes. OOOOOOHH. Ooh yeah. That hit the spot."
"What now, Papa?"
"Now we just wait..."
Chapter 3
Nine Months Later.
"OK, Peyton," said the doctor, "just breathe and you should be fine."
"OK, Doc. I still can't believe that Papa isn't here to help me with this. It's just been so tough to go through this. I wanted an abortion, but Papa said that it would ruin his "clean image". Can you believe that?"
"Ya know Peyton? I could have went my whole life without hearing that," said the doctor while he shuddered.
*I'm afraid that the next two hours were too gruesome to go into detail. To compensate for any inconveniences, here's a highlight reel: 23 contractions, 589 profanities used, 5 interceptions, a 4.5 hour long erection (good thing Peyton was already at the doctor's), and the mental breakdown of the patient next to Peyton*
"Well Peyton, it's a boy (I think)," said the doctor.
"Why does it look like an experiment on a squirrel went terribly wrong?" asked a horrified Peyton.
"Uh. Probably because you had a kid with Mr. John. Wait, is that a fucking pepperoni on his neck?"
THE END (of part 1)
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NFL Backstage Drama (Volume 1)
HumorNFL Backstage Drama is the exclusive behind the scenes look at all the stars activities. Safe 4 children, will help them accept the reality of the world we live in.
