These Oceans between You and Me

His Ghost

It's been two years since Adam left.

And I miss him as if it was the first day. I feel like a freak, because it's been so long, and I shouldn't feel like this anymore, but I do, I do, and I can't stop feeling like this, no matter how hard I try.

He is always here, a constant presence in the back of my mind. He's like a splinter that I try to take out, but it only digs deeper and deeper, causing me more pain.

The memory of him is always with me, whether it's the pavement we used to walk on or the dent on my front porch from when he crashed with his bike. It's the stain on my backpack from that time when he spilled his drink and the beanbag he used to plop in whenever he walked into my room ...

I miss talking to him so much.

I miss his company. I didn't feel alone when I was with him.

He is like a ghost now. He haunts my every hour and I hate that I can't let go of him.

He weighs on my chest and makes it hard to breathe. I'm used to it now, like someone with a chronic disease. I'm used to being out of breath by the thought of him.

There are a few good days when the memory of him hardly crosses my mind. On those days, I can breathe easier. My lungs feel full and I'm happy. It barely hurts.

I still regret the fight we had before he left, but the fight made it easier for me to let go of him, the searing pulsing red of anger masked the sadness and the pain I was feeling.

But I regret the words I said to him every day.

It's been two years and I still miss him like crazy. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe this is why I can't get him out of my head.

I wonder if he ever thinks about me... if his anger helped him let go of me too.

I wonder if I haunt his days, if he has trouble to breathe...

I wonder if he's happy without me in his life.

I wish he is, but I hope he's not.

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Song Video Credits: Colour My Heart by Charlotte OC