You're the Reason

Chapter 1

THIS IS THE SEQUEL TO I'M STILL BREATHING BUT I'VE BEEN DEAD FOR AWHILE.  

With that being said if you haven't read I'm Still Breathing I would suggest you do so but I suppose it won't be entirely necessary. I'm not really going to say much other then enjoy!  Thanks for being patient! -DBR

I grabbed the bottle off the counter, the cold dewy glass felt like home in my hand.  I knew that one sip, one tiny sip would send me right back down that path of self-destruction that I had been so adamantly fighting but I couldn’t help it.  This is what I did, this was who I was.  My dad and Beau hovered around me, taunting me to drink.  Telling me it was the only thing I was ever good at. 

“Drink!” They said in unison.

“No.” I said back, my voice quivering as they closed in on me.

“Drink it!” They said again.

“No!” I yelled, my heart rate increasing.

“Drink it Lucian!”

“NO!” My voice came out strangled and full of fear.

“Lucian, baby, wake up.” My eyes shot open, my breathing ragged.  “Hey, you’re fine.”

I grabbed Payton pulling her into my chest.  I buried my nose in her hair, taking comfort in her warmth. 

“I love you.” I mumbled against her skin.

“I love you too.” She said as she propped her chin up on my chest.  “Bad dream again?”

I nodded my head, “Yeah.”

“Everything’s going to be fine, you’ll see.” She leaned up to kiss me.  Her soft lips pressed against mine sending goose bumps roaring across my skin.  I loved that even after a year and a half she still had that effect on me.  “We should probably get up though.”

“Yeah.” I mumbled reluctantly.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to get up; there were just a few things today that I didn’t want to have to do.  Payton rolled out of bed, I watched her as she made her way into the bathroom.  Everything she did was so graceful; I could watch her for the rest of my life.  She closed the door behind her, leaving me alone in the openness of our studio apartment.  I laid there for a moment staring out the large paned window that overlooked a busy side street. 

When I finished rehab over nine months ago now, I enrolled in college, stockpiled my money like crazy and got a job.  It wasn’t anything fancy; Ron had actually hooked me up with his friend who had his own painting company.  I didn’t love the job but I could live off it and save the majority of the allowance that I got because of my family.  Plus Johnny was good company and he kept me straight. 

I rolled out of bed, grabbing my lucky lighter off the nightstand and my cigarettes.  I went out onto the balcony; the morning air was crisp as I stood in a pair of sweatpants.  I stuck a cigarette in my mouth and lit it.  It was the one habit I hadn’t been able to kick yet.  I had however been able to cut back to three a day.  One in the morning, one mid-day, and one before bed.  I sucked in, holding the smoke in my lungs before releasing it into the cool air.  I stared at my pack, there was only two cigarettes left.  I was going to have to pick up a pack to make it through today, almost certain it was going to require more than just three cigarettes.  When I finished, I stubbed it out on the railing and dropped it in a bucket by the door.  I walked the short distance to the kitchen and started making breakfast for Payton and I.  This had become our morning routine.  I’d make breakfast and while she cleaned up I went for a run.  Running was something that Payton and I hardly ever did together even though we both ran almost daily.  It was when we cleared our heads, our time to ourselves.  We both understood that we needed space, even if it was only a short period in the grand scheme of things. 

I dropped perfectly golden toast down on the plate just as Payton emerged from the bathroom.  Her hair was down and wet and she had a towel wrapped around her. 

“Good morning.” I said, leaning over the counter for a kiss. 

“Good morning to you too.” She smiled against my lips, one of my favorite things to feel.

“How long do I have for a run today?” I asked, sliding into the seat beside her at our small four-person table.    

She stuffed an egg into her mouth as she glanced at the clock.  “We need to pick up your tux, get my dress, and then I promised Chenelle that we’d run some last minute errands for her and set up.  The rehearsal dinner is at five, is a half hour too soon?”

I shook my head no even though my usual was an hour.  “No that’s plenty.”

We finished our breakfast and I slipped into a pair of shorts and a hoodie before hitting the street for my morning run.  My feet pounded into the ground, my muscles taking over as I passed block after block.  I slipped through the crowded sidewalk, catching sound bytes of people’s conversations.  I pushed harder, the longer I ran.  My lungs tightened and my breathing got short as I powered through more blocks.  Sweat slid down my face and the collar on my hoodie was soaked.  I had a half hour to run out all the stress that was trying to invade my body.  I stopped for a light, jogging in place among the crowd as we waited.  I had been having nightmares about relapsing for over a month now.  The sooner it got to Ellie’s wedding the more frequent and the worse they got.  I’d wake up in cold sweats, shaking, and yelling.  Payton was always there though when my eyes opened.  She was always there when I had moments of weakness.

A half hour later, I was dressed and not very ready to leave.  My chest was tight with anxiety, my hands were twitching for a cigarette and all I wanted to do was lock myself in my room like a child.  Instead I locked the door to our studio and took Payton’s hand as we walked down the stairs to the bottom floor.  I hailed a cab, pulling open the door for Payton before climbing in after her.  I gave the cabbie the address to Ron and Ellie’s, settling back into the seat.  I let out a sigh as I watched the building slowly slid by.  Payton squeezed my hand and I squeezed it back not moving my eyes from the road.  My chest was tight with anxiety and my stomach was turning.  Today and tomorrow was supposed to be about Ellie and Ron.  It was suppose to be a happy, wonderful event.  My fear, like with anytime I was with my entire family, was that it would turn into an event full of drama about my parent’s useless, drug-addicted son.  In other words the old me. 

The cabbie pulled up to Ellie and Ron’s townhouse.  I tossed him some money and a tip and clambered out of the car followed by Payton.  She just had on a pair of jeans and a blue tank top but regardless she still took my breath away.  As soon as she had both her feet on the ground I pulled her into a hug.  She laughed, hugging me back.

“Well hello.” She said into my neck.

“Hey.” My voice was low and thick.

“Everything’s going to be just fine, Luie.” She added.

I nodded my head, “I know.  I just needed you close for a minute.”  I felt her smile against my neck as I squeezed her a little tighter.  “I love you.”

“And I you.” She pulled back, stretching up onto her tiptoes to give me a kiss.  Without hesitation I met her halfway, taking satisfaction in the goose bumps that overtook my body.  It was a feeling I’d never get use to but would welcome whole-heartedly.  “Ready to go make a wedding happen?”

“As ready as I’ll ever be.”  I said, allowing her to break away from me. 

She linked her hand in mine and together we started for the door.