Not Just One Night

Chapter 23

I shake my head, no but Ally steps closer. She lowers her voice until it's almost inaudible over the ringing in my ears and the music. "Tell her Camila," she begs. "It could mean keeping her." Or it could mean losing her for good. "Please?" she cries out as if it's her relationship to lose.

I shake my head again but she insists. "Prove to her that you're not a monster. Prove to her that it wasn't your fault because right now, that's what she thinks. Go!" her voice raises as she tugs on my arm. I stumble against gravity but quickly pull my wrist free from my roommate's hand.

"She'll hate me even more," I say meant only for Ally's ears but Lauren replies.

"I won't."

Tears bite at my eyes and I wire them shut but they're not enough to withhold their escape, like Ally had done Lauren.  My roommate reaches up and brushes them away from my cheeks. I hear her voice again say my name. She's standing at the end of the hallway, her head resting on the doorframe. Her arms are folded across her chest and it feels like she's already shutting me out.

"I can't," I say. I hadn't retold that night since the phone call with Ally on the drive home from the hospital. I don't want to relive it because it's only a reminder of the mess that I'm in.

I hear her boots against the hardwood. My roommate steps out of the way, allowing her to occupy the narrow space directly in front of me. I shut my eyes tightly again, forcing the stagnant tears down my cheeks in rushes. When she speaks, her warm breath against my lips, I feel them evaporating from my skin. "Please, Camila," she begs now but five minutes ago, she wanted nothing to do with me.

I shake my head. "You don't want to hear," I whisper at first because it's all I can manage. "You're just going to walk away still. What's the point?" I shout now, and she reaches over trailing her fingertips down my forearm.

"I wasn't walking away, Camila."

I open my eyes. Her face is blurry but I can still recognize the emotion so clearly written there. "I'm so scared," she whispers. "Of losing you. Especially now that I know the truth. I'm terrified," she admits honestly. "That wasn't me walking away. That was me fearing losing something that I so desperately need in my life."

She reaches up with the back of her knuckles wiping a tear that has stilled on my lip. Her touch lights a fire that's misplaced in the moment, but it's a reminder of what I've got to lose now. "Please tell me?" she begs again, and I don't know how long I stand there without speaking but it feels like an eternity before I hesitantly nod my head, agreeing to retell that night, the one that haunts me every time I close my eyes.

I leave her standing in the hallway, as I walk back into my room, sitting down on the bed. She quickly follows along and occupies the desk chair, turning it to face me as I drag my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around my legs as a form of comfort.

I watch as Ally closes the door behind us, and I open my mouth to speak and at first it won't even form a sound, but she encourages me to try again as she leans foreword putting her elbows against her knees, looking up at me through a hooded gaze.

So I do and this time the words clearly fall from my lips.

***

"Camila, stop screaming! Tell me what's wrong?" I held the phone shakily to my ear, and each time I breathed, I could smell the bitterness of blood and alcohol laced within the interior of my car, and my white t-shirt. My left knee bounced as the right pressed the gas pedal to the floor, taking the curvy roads back to my apartment. I couldn't form any other sound with my mouth, my tongue, other than screams that were far better than the silence that I feared would be deafening. "Camila!" Ally shouted again. "Where are you? What's going on?" I didn't expect to tell her everything over the phone, I just thought hearing her voice would keep me alert enough until I made it home.